Sometimes I’m the social driver; sometimes I’m the passenger. Is that true for you? Or are you 100% one way?
I’d love to hear about it! This is a topic that’s been on my mind so much these days.
Whichever role you tend to take more, it can be useful and healthy to try the opposite one. #1. You might fix a social issue you’re having by making the occasional change. #2. You might better understand people who do things differently.
I hear from lots of listeners and readers who are tired of always being the one to reach out first. But on the other end of the spectrum, you give up so much control over your social time when you’re always the passenger waiting for others to communicate with you. That’s why I urge people to think of their ability to reach out as their super power. Own it!
When it comes to trips, I’m the passenger. Anyone who has travelled with me knows I want very little to do with those plans. I’m the rare person to suggest a girls’ trip first because I don’t want the responsibility of pushing the whole thing forward. But will I happily join one? Yes! Still, I can’t complain about how few trips I take with friends if I’m unwilling to reach out and plan them.
But I’m a reliable driver in other ways. I don’t care if I’m the first to start the text chat every time, or the one to note it’s time for a walk, or the one to suggest weekend plans. I’m not always first, but honestly I don’t care either way as long as my friends respond.
I have no data to back this up, but in writing about friendship for almost a decade, I feel confident saying that people who keep track of who texted/reached out first are less happy in their friendships. Don’t keep track!
If someone else reaches out to me first, I will normally respond with dates and times quickly, which I do because when I’m the driver, I appreciate that quality in a passenger.
But I also have friends who are better at reaching out to me first, and recently I thanked one of them. She appreciated that I noticed this dynamic.
That my friend tends to get the ball rolling for our plans is not due to any lack of desire on my side; she just thinks of it first. And I’m truly grateful that she doesn’t take this personally and dump me in a huff. Perhaps she’s the passenger in other areas of her social life so she knows I adore her just like she adores her friends who reach out to her first.
I’ve now mentioned in several podcast episodes, including a very recent one noted below, my whole super power concept.
I stand behind that! If you make plans, you have plans! But I wanted to mention here that there are ways to be a thoughtful and considerate passenger such as responding quickly with dates when someone reaches out for plans and even going as far as to acknowledge your friends who are in the driver’s seat. The drivers do get tired and enjoy the view from the passenger side of the car sometimes.
And if you’ve been on the passenger side of your social life for as long as you can remember, then episode 70 from a few weeks ago is for YOU. ⬇️
Become Your Own Social Director
Ever feel like your social life is a waiting game, stuck in the perpetual hope for an invitation to hang out? It’s time to flip the script! This episode is about empowering you to take control of your social time and friendships.
This is the perfect thing to hear for a new school year, or a new season of friendship for ALL AGES from kids to every stage of adulthood—through retirement and beyond.
🎧 Listen to episode 70 anywhere you get your podcasts!
Learning from a friendship breakup
Diamonde Williamson, my guest in episode #71, found a way to make art from a painful friendship breakup and help others process their breakups, too. Just like romantic breakups, friendship breakups can lead to feelings of grief, loss, and loneliness. Yet, these feelings are often dismissed or minimized, making it hard to heal and move forward.
Learn more about Diamonde’s documentary, Best Friends Not Forever.
Topics We Covered:
Friendships that end because someone decided they need to end vs. a friendship that fades
Friendship breakups are an ageless, universal issue, causing pain
Acknowledging the grief of a friendship that ended for any reason
How mutual friends can handle a breakup between their friends (It’s hard to be in the middle!)
The importance of communication in friendships
Taking responsibility for our sides of friendships that ended
The beauty of reconciliation and forgiveness when possible
Making art as part of a healing process
🎧 Listen to episode 71 anywhere you get your podcasts!
TV Shows I’m Watching and Books I’m Reading
I’m reading Worldwide Crush by Kristin Nilsen and The Miracle Child by Kelly Lang and Michael Lang
See my updated 2023 reading list here.
I finished Firefly Lane on Netflix and cried all the tears.
The most notable TV report is that I watched all eight episodes of the most current season of Outlander on Starz, and it was SO GOOD. The elements I loved about the first few seasons of the show are finally back. The only SUPER annoying thing is that we have to wait until some time in 2024 to see the remaining episodes of the season.
I did a fun TikTok and Instagram reel with my major Outlander-related find in the Minneapolis Sculpture Garden TODAY!
JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP WHERE WE TALK ABOUT BOOKS AND TV OFTEN
Articles and Episodes About Friendship I’ve Liked Lately
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
This is a good and realistic idea for reaching out to friends-- first Sunday of the month, small chunk of time, different friend each time. Alexia Dellner in PureWow
“I Made a New Friend. And Then We Argued: The conversation was rolling along until it turned to the topic of having children.” Sarah Miller in the NYT
Men’s groups are embracing an alternative conception of American masculinity: Tara Bahrampour in The Washington Post (Thanks to Rebekah Jacobs for sending this one to me.)
I’d love to include your friendship ritual/tradition stories in an episode!
Do you have a tradition or ritual with friends that has kept your friendship together? Perhaps the friendship might have drifted apart because of the reality of adult life, but this tradition or ritual has kept you connected?
Or maybe you have a fun and special tradition that listeners could learn from and implement in their own lives?
Ways to respond:
Reply to this email if you don’t need the answer to be anonymous. (Or, you can just tell me in the email not to use your name in the episode.)
Leave a voicemail that I can use in the episode.
The latest anonymous friendship advice question
“How to Run Into An Ex-Friend”
I got an excellent question about how to handle running into an ex-friend in a way that’s pleasant enough without inviting a renewed friendship. I gave a few personal examples of what NOT TO DO—things I wish I’d STOP doing when I see a former friend out in the world.
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links