Birthday Disappointment (and a Better Way Forward)
Why birthdays can feel loaded in adult friendships—and how to think about them differently
Wow—so episode #190 about planning your own birthday (and not waiting for others to do it for you) hit a nerve with listeners.
I want to summarize what I’ve been hearing from this discussion.
First, a quick recap of what Debra Arbit, my close friend and guest, did for her 45th birthday that got my wheels and listeners’ wheels turning. Debra has lots of friends—some overlap, many don’t. Since her 40th was during COVID times, she decided to make a bigger deal of her 45th. All she wanted was a day of her favorite activities with her favorite people. So SHE planned it.
The plan: Coffee and a casual breakfast at a favorite nearby spot. Mahjong for part of the morning with experienced players. Sushi for lunch. And Debra wanted to cook for a few hours in the afternoon, which will make sense when you check out her passion project of cooking her way through many cookbooks. (Look at @fortheloveofcookbooks on Instagram. It’s amazing!)
How did Debra pull this perfect birthday off with different friends throughout the day?
She created a Signup Genius and let people choose what to join. She also added a weekend brunch option at her house for anyone who couldn’t make the weekday events.
Did this mean that some people came to parts of the day where they (gasp) didn’t know each other?
YES. And that’s because Debra, like many adults, doesn’t have one set group of friends. We had a great discussion about that in the episode. You should listen!
But now you know enough to understand the rest of this post.
The sore spots:
While some listeners felt energized by the idea of planning their birthdays (whether that’s a party, a series of smaller events like Debra did, or a one-on-one lunch/coffee/walk), others had a very different reaction. This did not surprise me. It’s exactly why I wanted to do this episode!
For many of you, birthdays have become an emotional checkpoint that raises questions about your friendships and your place in other people’s lives. (It doesn’t have to be this way, but I know how common it is.)
You see the logic in planning your own birthday, but part of you doesn’t want to. You want someone else to take the lead, to ask what you’d like to do, or think of something on their own. (That desire is completely human, but it often leads to disappointment, as you’ve seen.)
You plan things for other people, but when your birthday comes around, it feels like an afterthought—or isn’t acknowledged at all.
You do plan something, but people don’t respond, reply late, or cancel last minute.
There’s fear that if you plan something, nobody will come. So instead, you keep it smaller than you’d like, make solo plans, or opt out entirely. On the surface, that can look like independence or “being low-maintenance,” but often it’s about protecting yourself from disappointment.
Some of you truly don’t want much—a text, a call, a simple acknowledgment. And yet even that can be inconsistent. When that happens year after year, it doesn’t just sting in the moment, it shapes how you see the friendship.
Reflecting . . .
This is all not really about the plans or even the texts. It’s about what those gestures represent—feeling remembered, chosen, and valued in a visible way.
Here’s the thing: most people aren’t thinking about how to plan your birthday. And that’s not because they don’t care. They’re making assumptions. They assume you already have plans, or prefer something low-key, or that you don’t like to make a big deal of it. Without clear signals, people fill in the blanks. And for people who plan their own birthdays, they may not see it as their responsibility to also plan yours.
As you will hear in episode 190 of Dear Nina, I do not think you should rely on others to plan your birthday when you’re an adult. (To each their own, but that expectation often leads to frusteration and resentment.) Instead: use your birthday as an opportunity to be BE INVITING. It’s a rare time in a year to let others know you value them and you’d like for them to be part of your special day or week.
On a hopeful note, some of you who’ve been waiting for others to plan and have felt disappointed said you’re willing to try something different. Not a big party, necessarily, but a shift toward planning a day that reflects what you actually want—and inviting people into it, the way Debra did. Not because it guarantees anything, but because it gives you a sense of agency.
Final thoughts
Birthdays will probably always carry some emotional weight. But they don’t have to function as a test of your friendships, and they don’t have to be something you dread.
You’re allowed to want to be celebrated, and you’re allowed to feel hurt when you’re not. Both can be true alongside the idea that you may need to take a more active role in shaping what your birthday looks like going forward.
Make it easier for people to celebrate you. Assume they want to, but may need some guidance from you, and that guidance might be YOU doing the planning.
I’m grateful you shared your stories with me. I’m still thinking about all of it, and yes, still figuring out how I want to celebrate my 50th in December. 🎂🥳🎈
Listen to episode #190 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts!
📣 SHOUT OUT A FRIEND
Want to recognize a friend in a big public way? Dedicate a week of the podcast to your friend for any reason. Some ideas below:
Maybe it’s your friend’s milestone birthday
Your friend completed a big goal: marathon, degree, new job, etc.
A friend has shown up for you a lot lately, or is simply just a fantastic friend
Books, Shows, Finds, and Recipes
READING: I’m still listening to Meet the Newmans by Jennifer Niven and reading Clutch by Emily Nemens on my Kindle. See my updated book 2026 list.
TV: I’m watching The Madison and Landman on Paramount. I’m eager for the next episode of Shrinking. And I’m sad that Paradise is done. I tried Imperfect Women, but find it meh.
RECIPE: I’m going to try these Flourless Blueberry Muffins for Passover this week.
SHOPPING: We were in Atlanta for a few days of spring break and I stepped into a Sézane store for the first time ever. (I’ve shopped Sézane online, but have never seen a real store.) I was drawn to this short trench, but we were rushed and I didn’t have time to try it on. I’m still thinking about it.
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website
I love this! A friend of mine celebrated his birthday at a video store that has a movie viewing room. What a great idea. Sharing a favorite movie with people you love. I assumed I'd know others there since our writing community is wide. Wrong. I only knew the birthday boy! I met fabulous people, saw a good movie, drank a rootbeer float, and ate a yummy chocolate chip cookie (maybe two). Highly recommend!
I love this -- I think last year our mutual friend Pam Moore did something like saying I will be at x place during these times and would love for you to drop in and chat with her, which I thought was great (and unfortunately was on a day I could not go, but I still loved the idea).
I have accepted that I need to plan to some extent because I kind of want to direct what is going to happen, ha! And I am turning 50 in October and still mulling over some ideas for celebrations (possibly a more pricey writing retreat, not sure!)