Dear Nina,
Several of my closest friends never ask about my book, and it bothers me. On one hand I feel silly saying this. I have plenty of other people to talk to like my writing group, agent, editor, a few family members, and the readers who chat with me on social media.
My point is that I don’t expect my friends to be the main outlet for discussing the roller coaster of publishing. But I’d like friends to occasionally ask how it’s going. Is that unreasonable? It doesn’t seem so to me.
Every time we’re together I inquire about their jobs, significant others, kids, and so on. They’ll ask me how my other job is going (I work in a school), how my husband and kids are doing, even how my parents are doing, but it’s like they’ve made a decision to never bring up the book—that’s how glaring the omission is.
I realize that sounds paranoid, but I’m not sure what else to think. I find myself never bringing up the book at all with these particular friends because I worry I’d sound needy, or that they’ll think I’m upset they haven’t read it. My book is a thriller, and I know that’s not for everyone.
The process of writing the novel, getting an agent, then selling it to a publisher took over a decade. There were two more years between selling the book to the publisher and the release day. This is a huge part of my life. How do I not take it personally when close friends seem to avoid the topic?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
Congratulations on the book! I know the road from idea to publication is a wild and winding one. You should feel great about having a novel in the world that strangers are buying!
But yes, it’s disappointing when close friends express little interest in a part of your life that means so much to you and takes up a significant chunk of your time. I have experienced this too as a podcaster and writer.
You have a few choices.
Backing up for a moment: It’s important not to confuse your friends with your customers. Or in your case, your friends with your readers. That’s why I titled today’s post the way I did: “Friends, You Don’t Have to Read My Book. But You Should Ask Me About it Sometimes.”
The first part of that title can be a hard pill to swallow. It takes most creative people some time to accept that their “wares” aren’t for everyone. As long as you can genuinely accept that your friends might not read your thriller, we can move on to the bigger question nagging at you—whether they should be asking how it’s going with your author life.
My answer is yes, within reason.
Your friends should ask about the book at least some of the time, and you should answer, but only to a point. The average person, even your closest friend, does not need the super-detailed version of how many times your agent tried to sell the foreign rights and all the near misses along the way.
The fact that your friends ask about your other job, but not the book, makes me wonder if in the past, you’ve answered with far too much detail and they’re afraid to give you the opportunity. I also wonder if the style or subject of the book is outside their comfort zones, and they don’t want to get into a discussion about it.
They probably don’t realize that never asking you about your author life is by far more hurtful than not reading your book.
So how to handle the elephant in the room that is this book?
Choice #1: Don’t wait to be asked.
I can think of four friends who listen to my podcast and even text me their thoughts after each episode. This is incredibly fun for me and something I take as a major compliment considering the many choices of content out there. As for everyone else, some ask me about it and some don’t.
Here’s what I do about the ones who don’t: I mention it anyway, but briefly. If I get a “how are you?” I include my podcast in the answer. I used to do the same thing when I was publishing articles. I’d say, “The kids are (however they were), Bryan is (however he was), and I just got a piece accepted in (wherever it was accepted). In this case, I might mention a guest I’m excited about, but I won’t go on and on about it.
I do this to give my friends the benefit of the doubt that they want to know about this massive part of my life even if they don’t explicitly ask. Maybe they don’t know how to ask if they’re not regular readers in your case, or listeners in mine. Or maybe they don’t know how to ask because they have read and listened and it’s just not for them. It’s tricky to be on that side of things, and I have sympathy for that scenario, too.
But like you, I ask about their jobs and other things going on in their lives so yes, I’d like the question in return. Maybe we both need to do a better job letting our friends know we’re 100% aware that they’re not “the audience,” but that it’s frustrating to feel like there’s this whole area of our lives we’re supposed to pretend doesn’t exist.
My policy of mentioning what I’m working on as part of my general “How are you?” answer helps me feel like I don’t have to hide this creative endeavor. But it’s not the full solution.
Choice #2: Keep an eye out for some new friends who allow you to be your full self.
I got a sense of loneliness in your letter, which I think is incredibly common, but not to be taken lightly. While I stand by choice #1 to not wait for friends to ask about the book, I still think it’s best when we don’t have to walk on egg shells with our own friends.
Trust me, I know this is the harder choice. I have an inbox of questions from adults struggling with this exact task to prove it. But it is an option. I don’t mean that you should replace your current friends. We have all sorts of friends for different reasons. I’m suggesting you stay open to making a few new ones.
You might already have acquaintances in your orbit who could fill this role—people who are interested in you and the creative work that is so important to you. Perhaps some fellow writers from your writing group are looking to hangout? It’s never too late to get close to new friends.
Best of luck, and report back if you’re willing!
Nina
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Join the next session of the virtual Dear Nina Book Club!
This time we're discussing the instant NYT bestseller ---Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make--and Keep--Friends by Marisa G. Franco, Ph.D.
Platonic is an interesting read AND it will allow us to examine and discuss our own friendship attachment tendencies.