I Regret Being a Bridesmaid

An anonymous letter + help from two close friends

Bridesmaid with their bride: Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

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Thank you to Rebecca Kotok and Taryn Kessel for helping with this one.

Dear Nina,

My old friend asked me to be one of her bridesmaids, and I said yes. But I have been thinking this is a mistake. We aren't close anymore.

I agreed because I thought it was an honor to be asked to be there on her special day and it would be a kindness. I don't think she has that many friends. However, we don't know each other anymore.

It's hard for me to be enthusiastic about responding to the wedding chit chat, and I'm concerned I have set her up for disappointment or anger in me as a friend. Especially when she starts a family. I think she will expect me to play a supportive role as I am single with no kids, but I have a busy life and have other friends I hold dear to my heart.

I don't want to back out of the wedding. But how can I manage her expectations of our relationship?

Thank you, Regretting Saying Yes

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Dear Regretting Saying Yes,

You’re engaged in a way of thinking I have to combat in myself more often than I’d like to admit. You’re asking, “What if,” followed by worst case scenarios. You’re assuming towards the negative—that you won’t get a little closer again, and that your friend will rely on you too much—in the unknown future.

You’re also operating under the idea that being a bridesmaid weds you to this friend forever. I don’t think that’s true. But I understand why it feels that way. Weddings are quite an operation—financially and emotionally.

Since this kind of worry is a mind trick I inflict upon myself, I turned to two of my closest friends for help. They advise me often on my “what if” issues, and both are wise, thoughtful women who have been guests on Dear Nina.

Rebecca Kotok, is one of my closest friends from college. In fact, pertinent to this question, she came on my podcast in episode #34 to discuss the three years after college we stopped speaking, and how we got close again. That right there is an example of not knowing how a friendship will change in the future. Rebecca and I never thought our friendship would end. And when it did, we never thought we’d reconcile.

Rebecca wrote: