I Was Not Included in My Friend's Birthday Dinner

Does our mutual friend who planned it owe me an apology?

Dear Nina,

I wasn’t included in the birthday dinner for my friend “Jen.” She’s turning 39, so it’s not a huge party or anything, but it seems like a decent size group is going. Maybe eight total.

Jen isn’t the one who made the plan as far as I can tell, and she and I aren’t extremely close. But the whole situation still feels hurtful. I thought we were slightly better friends, I guess.

The person I’m actually upset with is my very close friend, “Stella.” I get the feeling Stella was one of the organizers since she’s tight with Jen.

Stella and I have always found it easy to discuss our issues. We’re both pretty good at admitting when we’re wrong, so I say we get points for 15 years of friendly conflict resolution.

I know if I talk to Stella directly and explain why I feel funny about the whole thing, she’d apologize on the spot and validate my feelings. But if I have to tell her why I’m upset, does she mean it when she says she’s sorry? If she wanted me to be at the dinner, she would have invited me in the first place, right?

By the time you answer this, if you do, I’m sure Stella will have an explanation and Jen’s birthday will have come and gone. But it’s bothering me that Stella didn’t know on her own this would hurt me. Or worse, she knew and didn’t care.

Signed, Embarrassed to Feel So Left Out At Almost 40

Photo by Luisa Brimble on Unsplash

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Dear Embarrassed,

First, I will answer the easy part—about the birthday dinner.

Then I will answer the hard part for the question you didn’t really ask—about friendship in general.