Is "Toxic" the Most Overused Word On The Internet?
Unlikely Friendships, Poisonous Friendships, Overlooking Foibles, Ask a Jew!
There’s something in the air on the topic of “therapy-speak” getting out of hand, at least out of hand on social media.
It came up in this week’s episode of Dear Nina about toxic friendships, which I recorded a month before people started sending me this recent article in Bustle saying something similar vis-a-vis words like “toxic” and “boundaries.”
I also spoke about the overuse of “boundaries” when I was a guest on She’s Got Issues last month. And it came up when I spoke to Ruchi Koval last year in our episode: “When the Desire For Friendship Is Not Equal.”
I’m glad this topic is getting more air time.
Bottom line with some tough love: Boundaries are healthy. But in a friendship or any kind of relationship, you WILL have to help people sometimes. You WILL have to show flexibility sometimes. It cannot be only about setting your own boundaries, no matter what all the memes say on Instagram.
Here’s the gist of what I said at the beginning of this week’s episode on toxic friendships:
I struggle to use the word toxic because internet culture can make words meaningless. It sounds insensitive, but not everything is ‘trauma.’ Not every person who left you out one time is a ‘toxic friend.’ This expectation that friendships will have no problems is pretty unreasonable. Friendships have ups and downs.
Then my guests, Michelle Anderson and Lauren Massarella from The Sister Project Podcast, helped identify some behaviors that could call for the end of a friendship, or at the very least, some distance. Because yes, some behaviors are just too much.
It’s a serious episode, but a fun one, too. I taught them about Jewish geography! And we battled for the BIGGEST Midwestern accent. I think it goes to Michelle. Let me know!
FIND EPISODE #51 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
You Need 20 Minutes With My Mom
For episode #50, I was thrilled to welcome my mom back to Dear Nina. My mom, Kathy Sackheim, has been an instrumental part of the Dear Nina friendship universe. We’re building a theme park. Kidding.
I quote my mom often in the column and the podcast. In this 20-minute episode, she answered some questions that came in from the Dear Nina Facebook group. We covered the ways she's seen attitudes about friendship change through the decades, whether parents and kids can be friends, whether parents should get involved in teens' friendship issues, handling other parents' opinions of us, letting go of trying to control your older kids as they leave for college (and earlier and later!). And more.
FIND EPISODE #50 ON APPLE, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
Ask a Jew (or Three)
In honor of Passover this week, enjoy my episode with Yael Bar-Tur and Chaya Leah Sufrin from the
Podcast. Just kidding, we didn’t talk about Passover at all. But we did discuss friendship between types of Jews who rarely create such a close bond. Yael is a secular Israeli and Chaya Leah is a Haredi (“ultra-Orthodox”) Jew. I explained how I fit somewhat in the middle. We talked about making friends who are different from you, talking through things friends might disagree about, and we laughed A LOT.FIND EPISODE #48 ON APPLE, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
We Should Not Be Friends!
What a pleasure to speak with Will Schwalbe about his memoir, We Should Not Be Friends: The Story of a Friendship. The first part of the episode is a natural continuation of my conversation with Yael and Chaya Leah the previous week about the benefit of having friends with different points of view and backgrounds. And in the second half, Will and I talked about the real work of maintaining a decades long, sometimes challenging friendship and why we should bother.
FIND EPISODE #49 ON APPLE, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
Latest TV Shows and Books
I’m rereading Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin for my Dear Nina virtual book club on 4/17. (You’re all invited until it fills). It’s just as good as I remembered.
I’m using this cookbook that everyone one I know who feeds big Jewish families raves about. I will report back when I’ve tried enough recipes.
I’m liking Loot on Apple TV.
And I eagerly wait every week for the newest episode of Ted Lasso on Apple TV.
I’m one episode behind on the newest season of HBO’s Succession so I can’t say much yet. I know that Twitter is freaking out about episode 3. I’m trying to get there!
Articles About Friendship I’ve Liked Lately
I love doing these friendship roundups on my website! I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I share a selection twice a month on ninabadzin.com. The most recent ones are below.
I appreciated
's recent Substack piece about why we don't always live closer to our friends, which is a reaction to this article in The Atlantic.“I Went on a Package Trip For Millennials Who Travel Alone. Help Me.” by Caity Weaver in NYT Magazine. This is a long (and witty!) read on visiting Morocco with a group-travel company that promised to build meaningful friendships among its youngish clientele.
“Good Enough Friends” by Dan Kois in Slate— on the vanishing teenage experience of just hanging out.
Okay, this one isn’t about friendship, but I adore baby name analysis and have written baby names articles for Nameberry and Kveller. “It’s Time To Address The Emily In The Room” by Emily Petrarca in the NYT.
Latest Anonymous Friendship Question
My latest question for advice was about reaching out to new people for plans. Also, being stood up, expanding your social network, and accepting the long game of making friends at any age. Lots to discuss! Read it here.
THERE’S STILL TIME TO ATTEND THE SPRING BOOK CLUB
At the Dear Nina book club, we discuss books about friendship. Each session is a stand alone experience.
WHEN: Monday, April 17th, 2023 at 7:00PM, CST.
WHERE: We will meet on Zoom.
THE BOOK: Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin
Have a great week everyone!
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