Lopsided Friendships and Quiet Seasons
Lopsided Friendships and Quiet Seasons
Plus, some apologies we might owe our friends on Yom Kippur or any other time
You know that feeling when you realize you’re the one putting more into the friendship?
In episode 35 of Dear Nina, Philly based journalist and fellow friendship enthusiast, Anna Goldfarb, joined me to discuss her viral article in Vox about managing a lopsided friendship. We also touched on her viral piece in the NYT “How to Deal with a Friendship Quiet Season.”
MANY of you have sent me both articles! You’ve sent me some of Anna’s other articles too from NYT, Vice, The Cut, and elsewhere. There was no question I needed Anna on the show. The issue of uneven friendships hits a nerve for lots of people.
Anna and I talked about knowing that you do more for the friendship. However, we also discussed learning to be okay with it depending on the situation. We spent a lot of time on assuming the best of our friends and not inventing stories about what each text (or lack thereof) might mean.
FIND EPISODE #35 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
The Apologies We Might Owe Our Friends
On Yom Kippur, when we’re in synagogue, we put a hand to our hearts in a fist to gently hit our chests ten times throughout the holiday and confess as a group that we have been gossipy, gluttonous, deceitful, insincere and more. I’m guilty of some of the long list of sins in the Al Chet prayer, but I haven’t engaged in all of the negative actions. That’s true for most of us.
Still, it helps to think of the character traits I’d like to avoid displaying in the next year as I think about the year I just completed.
Last year inspired by the Al Chet prayer, I wrote a version related only to friendship. And like we do for Yom Kippur, I’m using “we” not “I” because I’d like to think I’m not alone in my friendship transgressions. I know not everyone reading this follows the Jewish calendar, but it’s always a good time for a fresh start.
The Friendship Apology Prayer
(This also can be heard on my podcast in a mini-bonus episode.)
Dear friends everywhere, today we say we’re sorry:
for the times we didn’t listen, but instead waited for our turns to speak.
for the times we brought the conversation immediately back to ourselves.
for not being quicker to apologize when we said something hurtful, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
for not being quicker to forgive when you said something hurtful, whether intentionally or unintentionally.
for saying the wrong thing–words that seemed funny at first or insightful, but on further reflection embarrassed you, revealed personal information in front of others, or was more mean-spirited than humorous.
for looking at our phones while you were speaking to us, not because we were waiting for an important call or text, but because we have lost all sense of being in the moment.
for not offering to help in a specific way that showed we truly meant it.
for being slow to check in when you were going through a tough time.
for standing on ceremony–waiting for you to check in on us rather than saying we needed help.
for the times we rolled our eyes at your social media posts, but also posted something equally navel gazing, braggy, tone deaf, or whatever induced our initial disdain and judgment.
for getting impatient because you didn’t return a text, email, or call at the same pace we would return messages.
for knowing you were waiting for a response, but letting the message hang because we didn’t consider your feelings, or even worse, we liked to a yield a little power over the situation by making you wait.
for not including you or including too many other people and sacrificing quality time. For finding it hard to get the balance quite right.
for the times we judged ourselves easier than we judged you, giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt, but assuming the worst of you.
For all of these friendship transgressions, we apologize and intend to do better this year. ~ Nina Badzin
I’ve written many High Holiday posts over the years. A few of my favorites + some great recipes are linked here.
BIG Reading News!
Dear Nina readers and listeners now get 10% off all online orders at my favorite local Minneapolis book store, Cream & Amber. Use the code “dearnina” at checkout. I made a page on their site with the books I’ve recommended most in the past few years. But you can order anything you want with the search bar! It’s a great place for gifts and a nice way to support a local business.
Using my code also helps support the show and my work. So thank you for considering Cream & Amber for your book buying!
ASK AN ANONYMOUS QUESTION ANY TIME!
JOIN THE DEAR NINA FACEBOOK GROUP!
FOLLOW ALONG ON INSTAGRAM