My friend comments on my eating habits to me and others

And I'm tired of feeling watched and judged

Photo of a gorgeous salad by Yoav Aziz on Unsplash

Dear Nina,

I have a friend of 8 years in my local community (no longer a close friend), who cornered me to say I have OCD and disordered eating. She has also commented on my weight numerous times, which is actually an ideal body weight based on WHO, NIH, and CDC standards. She comments on the weight of other women as well, and she herself struggles with her weight. She is constantly dieting while judging me for what I eat, which is mostly a plant-based diet with minimum saturated fats and desserts.

I’m in my mid-40s and she knows I suffered with anorexia when I was 15. I’m recovered, weight appropriate and stable. I’m an overall healthy eater who is very conscious of what I put in my body as well as a dietitian with a masters degree in nutrition science.

This friend has turned other friends against me, saying she’s so concerned about me that she needs to distance herself. This was after I set a boundary with her about my weight and what I eat not being up for discussion with her. She then said her boundary is to not be around me when food or drinks are involved.

So basically we haven’t been in touch for months, and I’m hearing from others that she is telling people I’m struggling and she just can’t watch it. None of my family or longterm friends from various chapters of my life are worried about me, my weight or my health. They’re actually upset and even mad that she is telling people this.

One important health related item to note: my friend drinks alcohol daily and smokes cigarettes as well. What do I do and how do I deal?

Thanks in advance for taking the time!

“Feeling Harassed”

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Dear Feeling Harassed,

Wow. I get why you’ve had it with this topic and this particular friend. Most adults don’t want to be nitpicked by their friends.

Being reflective of my own behavior, when I was in high school and college, I used to make comments when I felt a friend wasn’t eating enough. In hindsight this was definitely from my own insecurities about weight and dieting issues. Yes there was concern for friends too, but I think the real issue was more about me. Sounds like a similar situation for your friend, except she’s in her 40s and this has gone on way too long.

The topic of weight and eating is especially fraught as people have become too-comfortable analyzing others’ choices. The discussion of bodies and habits feels even more egregiously public now that prescription weight loss drugs such as Wegovy have entered the scene.

Of course, there are more issues here than weight and eating—deeper friendship and boundary issues. There’s also the issue of accepting that we can’t control what others say and think about us.

Still, since your question involves those touchy body image comments, I consulted two-time Dear Nina guest, Pam Moore, who is an occupational therapist turned intuitive eating coach and an award-winning health and fitness journalist. Pam is also a close friend of mine who gives me regular advice on many topics, including friendship.