Official Friend Groups?
You're not imagining it. "Friend Groups" are a thing. Plus, the good old blogging days and online friends
If you’re the parent of a teen, you have probably heard a lot about friend groups. Many of us had them too in high school, but this variation feels different—More intense and specific.
Example: Your kid is in a group, but there’s drama about someone new wanting in.
Or, someone on the inside is now spending time with other kids, which makes everyone else feel ditched.
Or, your kid is not in a group, but wants to be, which is a whole other, and oftentimes, bigger issue than the previous examples.
I felt “seen” when Dr. Lisa Damour, this week’s guest on Dear Nina and an expert on teenagers, confirmed during our conversation that “friend groups” are indeed a lot more official than when we were in middle school and high school. In other words, readers, we are not imagining this! Friend groups are a THING to contend with.
Here’s what Dr. Damour had to say in our episode about BIG friend groups:
“Kids think they want big groups. There’s no big group that works well. And the reason there’s no big group that works well– and by big, I mean more than four kids—is it’s absolutely impossible for four people or more of any age to like one another equally. It never works.
And so these poor kids are stuck in this dynamic where I think out of basic insecurities of being a teenager and wanting to make sure you’ve got people to do things with, they coalesce into groups that may have five or six or seven or even bigger than that.
And then drama ensues. Not because they’re bad kids, but because you cannot get a group of five or six or seven or eight who like one another equally. So there will be kids in that group where there’s oil and water—they just don’t get along. Then within the group, kids feel recruited to choose one side or another. There will be subgroups within that group. If you’ve got eight kids, there’s going to be three who really want to hang together. So occasionally they will. And then of course sometimes they will put it up online and then everybody sees it and it feels really lousy. But of course, not all eight are going to want to hang out together all the time.
What’s the solution here? Here is the solution: Reassure your kid that we have really good data showing that the least stressed kids have one or two good friends. Full stop.
. . . If your kid has one or two good buddies, leave it alone. It’s perfect. If your kid has a large friendship group, do not assume that anyone is going out of their way to cause trouble. It is the nature of those larger groups.”
A few listeners disagreed, saying their kids are perfectly happy in their big groups. I’m sure that’s true! But I don’t think Dr. Damour was saying kids can’t be happy in big groups. I heard her point as: Kids can be happy without a big group.
What do you think about all this friend group stuff? You can listen to the entire episode here.
Yes, Online Friendships Are Real!
I remember the days when readers asked me if online friendships were real. I don’t get questions like that anymore because online friendships have been in place for a long time. However, the way we interact is different from the early days of internet life. The world of blogging, for example, is not what it once was.
Dip back in time to the late 2000s and the 2010s as my real life AND online friend, Jill Smokler (Scary Mommy), and I talk about the highs and lows of blogging, including how it changed as social media grew. We talked about the new opportunities blogging friendships brought us, the deep connections made, and some of the icky competition and drama too.
Twin Cities Readers!
I’m facilitating a free in-person book club event, sponsored by Comma, a Bookshop and The Westwood Hills Nature Center. We are discussing Emma Nadler’s FANTASTIC memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden. This event will feature an interactive, thoughtful discussion with a focus on community and friendship, and Emma will be there too with her insights.
Join us whether or not you’ve read the book!
Please use this link to sign up so we know how many people to expect.
Latest TV Shows I’m Watching and Books I’m Reading
I’m almost done with Incurable Optimist by Jennifer Cramer-Miller in preparation for her visit to Dear Nina. Jennifer has survived four kidney transplants and has so much to teach the world about hope, grace, and friendship.
I started Kiss Me In The Coral Lounge by Helen Ellis. Did you know that humor is my favorite genre? I made a little Instagram video about it here.
I’m also reading Unorthodox Love, a brand new concept in romance literature—a romance starring an Orthodox Jewish woman! It was written by next week’s guest, Heidi Shertok.
My updated 2023 reading list is here.
I’m happy to announce that this season of And Just Like That on Max has grown on me. Our girls are back!
I absolutely loved Queen Charolette on Netflix. I did not expect to cry my eyes out.
Articles and Episodes About Friendship I’ve Liked Lately
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I was a guest on Pam Lamp’s podcast, Who I Met Today. I loved our conversation about concrete ways to meet new people in midlife and beyond. We had tons of good ideas in less than 30 minutes!
If you haven’t read this gorgeous Washington Post piece by Sally Jenkins about the unlikely close friendship between tennis rivals Chris Evert and Martina Navratilova— you must! It was not paywalled when it was first posted. It might be by the time you’re clicking on this.
Christie Tate, two-time guest on Dear Nina, wrote a very honest piece at Shondaland about the friend she hurt while on a book tour for her book about friendship.
I enjoyed this piece in The Atlantic about something I talk about often—not expecting every friend to live up to every expectation. “Stop Firing Your Friends” by Olga Khazan. A favorite line:
In past eras, friendship seemed much more intense, judging by the florid letters Victorians wrote to their pals: “The divine magnet is in you,” Herman Melville once gushed to Nathaniel Hawthorne, “and my magnet responds.” These days, you’d be lucky to get a “slay, queen.”
The latest anonymous question
Sometimes I receive friendship dilemmas where the answer is already baked into the question. I’m happy to help anyway. This month’s question is in that category. → “You’re Already Not Friends”
Have an anonymous question or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone!
Links to Bookshop and Amazon are affiliate links.
The Christie Tate article you shared was a great read — I'm often tempted to "forget about" or ignore tentative plans I've made with friends rather than tell them I'm not up to it or can't make it anymore. Her story is a good reminder that's never the right answer if you care about preserving the friendship!