Please Don't be Mad at Me
The difference between acquaintances and friends + Mussar
So, wow. This week’s episode of Dear Nina is titled “When The Desire For Friendship Is Not Equal.” It touched several anxiety points in my psyche, starting with a challenging letter from a listener. Later, I talked about why it challenged me, but the short answer is this: I don’t want people to be mad at me. That’s probably true for lots of us. But for me, maybe to an excessive degree?
I base this assumption on conversations I’ve had with close friends who respond to my odd “What should I do about this???” desperate pleas with simple words such as, “Say no thanks?” They’re often not sure what the big deal is.
In response to all of this, my guest, Ruchi Koval, author of Soul Construction, pushed me (and the listener who wrote the challenging letter) to think about the way we approach relationships and how to balance conflicting values like honesty, peace, and kindness. Meaning all three of those values matter, but they can’t matter the same amount at the same time.
Ruchi’s teachings are based on Mussar, the ancient Jewish way of understanding how to improve our character using the essential traits we all possess and can work on by turning the “volume up” on some and turning the “volume down” on others.
For example, it’s good to be financially generous towards others, but not in a way that would embarrass the recipient. Each aspect of our humanity has potential for “good” and “evil.” It depends on how those character traits are used.
Ruchi’s book and Mussar in general will force you to think about your strengths and weaknesses. I studied each chapter weekly with my friend and fellow writer, Merri Ukraincik. We’ve only met in person once, which is astounding considering all the growth we’re doing together.
Back to what I learned in this episode.
In friendships or in a community, sometimes kindness needs to be number one, which might mean less than total truthfulness. But other times, honesty comes before everything. Each situation requires a nuanced balance of traits and values. That’s why this friendship stuff is hard! If it wasn’t, I wouldn’t have 33 episodes of Dear Nina with plenty more coming. And I answered friendship dilemmas monthly for seven years before that!
FYI— I am now only answering non-podcast friendship dilemmas in the paid side of my newsletter.
One of my favorite moments with Ruchi in our episode is below. She said:
Part of being an adult is doing awkward things and pretending they're not awkward. . . Feelings will be hurt and you can't always prevent that. That's not real life. We want to be as kind as we can. We want to be as truthful as we need to be. We want to pursue peace as much as we're able, but the bottom line is— there are relationships in which nobody gets hurt. Those people are called acquaintances.
Forced to face a truth, I gasped. I do a lot of emotional gymnastics and physical rearranging of my own schedule and priorities to make sure I don’t disappoint anyone, even acquaintances. I know I’m not alone!
Ruchi said:
In relationships where people actually care about each other, feelings will get hurt because we have expectations, we have disappointments, we have connections, and we care about that person. That person matters to us. To go about this with the goal of, but I don't want to hurt any feelings, is unrealistic. We want to mitigate hurt feelings, but avoidance entirely is not real life.
This is where things get tricky . . .
We talked about how sometimes when the desire for friendship is not equal, honesty makes sense and may in fact be kinder in the long run. I was sweating through my shirt even imagining such a conversation. We went over some scripts for that. And then I was sweating more.
We also talked about when it makes sense to give a little time, even when we’re not super into the whole thing. Ruchi pushed me to consider: What if 10% of our friend time could be a donation for the greater good? What if we gave people time because they needed the connection, not because it filled our cups? Many of us have been the recipients of others’ kindness, even unknowingly.
What if there are some relationships in our lives that exist because we fill the other person’s cup and not necessarily the other way around?
In a world where it seems every other quote on Instagram comes from a therapist giving us permission to protect our boundaries at all costs, Ruchi’s point of view feels counter culture. I found it refreshing and eye-opening.
Can this concept go so far that we find ourselves only giving? Sure. But that’s why Ruchi urges 10% and that’s it. And this episode is probably not for someone in that position.
The souls we interact with in our lives
Ruchi and I talked about a few lines in her book that were especially relevant to this balance we're trying to strike between honesty, kindness, and peace. And to this idea of giving time.
She wrote that people are put into our lives for a reason:
Somehow their souls and ours needed to intersect. We are the exact friend acquaintances or relatives whom they need in their lives for their soul's journeys. And they are the exact people whom our souls need, at least for a short time in our journey as well. (Page 46 of Soul Construction)
The Wisdom of Mussar
There was so much more! I urge you to listen to the episode, which is under 30 minutes. And if you’re curious about the study of Mussar, you will find Ruchi’s book, Soul Construction a gentle and helpful way to begin—whether you’re Jewish or not!
The Reading and Watching Update
Listening to Carrie Soto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Reid always tells a great story. It's fun to hear little references to her other work. (Though it’s not necessary to have read those books.) And tennis is a fun story backdrop for me.
Reading First We Must Break by Lauren Jayne: Years ago I read Lauren's first memoir, Pretty Things Don't Break and found it so compelling. I was happy to see she wrote a sequel.
All of my pithy book reviews for 2022 are here.
Watching The Queen’s Gambit and the new season of Cobra Kai with my husband. As I’ve mentioned here before, he watches very little TV so this is not a binge. We started The Queen’s Gambit in the spring! I plan to start the new season of The Handmaid’s Tale on my own soon.
I always love to hear what you’re reading and watching. You can respond on email. Or join my Facebook group where we compare notes on what’s good out there every few weeks. I often preview podcast topics there and chat about angles before I record.
Podcast guest update!
Congrats to Dr. Marisa G. Franco from episode 32, “Conflict Can Strengthen a Friendship.” Her book Platonic is a NYT best seller!
Congrats to Zibby Owens from episode 28, “Grieving the Death of a Friend” for the launch of Zibby Mag.
