Roommate Disappointments

And taking our closest friends for granted

fabulous apartment photo by Steph Wilson on Unsplash

For this month’s anonymous friendship dilemma I included an additional answer from my fantastic assistant podcast producer, Rebekah Jacobs. I knew she’d have wisdom to share. Two answers for the price of one!

Dear Nina,

I have been living with my best friend, who I have known for over ten years. In the past we have gotten along well, travelled together, shared common interests, had lots of fun, etc. However, I’ve come to discover since becoming roommates that we have very different expectations for closeness and how we spend our time.

We used to talk for four hours on the phone. Now my friend barely tells me updates in her life. I have been close friends with several past roommates who I maintain good friendships with years later, and in these living situations we kind of lived life together. We studied together, went to events, watched tv in the evenings, and did fun things on the weekends. I imagined living with someone I was already really close with would be even better.

My friend seems to have very different expectations. She hangs out in her room in the evenings instead of in the common spaces, would rather play her own video game in the living room than watch tv with me, is often out late at parties until after I've gone to bed, and gets resentful if I invite her to too many events or ask her to hang out too much, and even says I'm guilt tripping her. She plans things with other friends, but thinks it's silly when I try to schedule things with her since "it will happen automatically as we live together."

We have argued about this problem repeatedly, since inevitably I end up feeling hurt and excluded as if she doesn't want to spend time with me, and she feels like I am too needy. She still claims I am one of her closest friends. She is generally a more distant person who has a lot of casual friends but few close friends, and seems to prefer it that way.

Am I the one who is unreasonable for feeling hurt and neglected and even used in this friendship? Are we just not compatible roommates? How do I figure out if she is actually still invested in this friendship or if the problem is deeper than just living together? I'd appreciate any thoughts you have!

Signed, Living together but alone

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Previous anonymous questions and answers can be found here.

Podcast episodes of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship are listed here with links to all listening apps.

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Dear “Living together but alone,”