Should I Revive This 15-Year Friendship?
Plus, reminiscing about my first big ghosting experience
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Dear Nina,
It’s been over a year since I’ve spoken to my best friend of 15 years.
“Emily” moved across the country a few years into our friendship and is now married with two school-age kids. We’d always been good about staying in touch, but a couple of years ago, there was a shift where Emily would go quiet. Oftentimes, when I’d text to ask how she was doing, she’d let me know she was "SO busy." Then, when she needed advice, she'd find time to share updates on her diet and fitness goals or send pictures of the clothing she bought.
Over time, I noticed that when I brought up anything about me, Emily brushed it off, changed the subject, or went silent. I began feeling used and somewhat like a therapist, especially considering she wasn't reciprocating (whether intentional or not).
Emily’s social media posts contradicted her complaints of her busy-ness. She frequently posted about shopping trips, wrote lengthy book reviews, or shared inspirational quotes and pop culture news. I wondered how she found time to post so much because she repeatedly lamented how busy she was.
In one of our last interactions over a year ago, she let me know she was feeling sick so I texted her a few days later to see how she was doing. She replied to let me know she went on vacation with her family and was “too busy” and did not have the capacity to enter into a texting conversation with me. Those were close to her exact words.
I was taken aback by the coldness of her text, but I let her know I understood and hoped she could enjoy her vacation and feel better. I'd assumed from that text she was going through a rough time, but shortly after she sent it, she posted pictures from her vacation, as well as her book reviews. I felt if she had time to post all of those things, then she had time to send a nicer text than the one I received.
When Emily reached out again, I mustered up the courage to explain that she had hurt my feelings with her choice of words and initially had looked past it because I thought she was going through something difficult, but it didn’t appear that way from her social media. I said she could have sent me a nicer message and if she wanted to take a break from texting, I wouldn’t have been hurt.
She responded that she only has certain availability to talk to me, told me I was dishonest in my understanding of her busy schedule, and that I do not give her grace as a working mother. She said her family is her main priority, that I was trying to usurp her time, and what she posts on social media is none of my business.
I explained that she mistook what I said and this was not at all what I was implying. I had no intention to pull her away from her family while she was on vacation, nor did I care about her social media. I just thought she could have been more respectful in her words. She became extremely defensive and accused me of implying she should drop everything she is doing just to talk to me, and that I was taking her away from being with her children and making memories with them. I love her children as if they were my own nephews. I told her this accusation was untrue and hurtful, but she insisted this was the case. I stopped responding, and I haven't heard from her since.
It has been more than a year and I still think often of Emily and the happy moments of our 15-year friendship. I've wondered if her shift as a friend was all in my head and a big misunderstanding on my end. It was out of character for me to even share my hurt feelings with her, and I debated for WEEKS if I should broach it with her, fearing the worst. However, if the situation were reversed and I learned I’d hurt a close friend, I would apologize profusely in hopes of salvaging the friendship.
I wish we could have resolved it and am devastated to lose this friendship. I’m also shocked at those wild accusations from her. I realize life is short, and I miss the good parts of our friendship, so I've thought about reaching out, but I don't think she'd welcome hearing from me based on her reaction to expressing my feelings. Plus, I'm not sure it's a friendship worth reviving based on the last year of it.
Thank you, “Tessa”
Dear Tessa,
Oh my goodness do I relate to holding onto the good days of the friendship even when the person is treating me terribly.
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