Most anonymous letters I get come from people struggling with a particular friend.
This is not surprising. It’s what I’m here for!
Nevertheless, my January challenge for readers and listeners is this: Take stock in the friendships that are working. It will help with the friendships causing aggravation, too.
Taking stock in our friendships was also the first step in a recent 7-day happiness challenge published in The New York Times. The suggestions for all seven days are related to friendship. Again, no surprise.
Why this focus on our social lives over money or anything else?
They made the choice based on the longest running study on happiness, which covered 85 years and three generations of participants.
The researchers found:
“Strong relationships are what make for a happy life. More than wealth, IQ, or social class, it’s the robustness of our bonds that most determines whether we feel fulfilled.”
Social Couch Potatoes?
The doctors quoted throughout the NYT series are Robert Waldinger, M.D. and Marc Schulz, Ph.D, authors of The Good Life: Lessons From the World’s Largest Scientific Study on Happiness. The book is making the rounds on The CBS Morning Show, NPR, and elsewhere. Good job, publicists!
I like when Dr. Waldinger, the one doing most of the talking, mentions “social fitness,” which implies we have control over whether we make plans or check in with friends. It’s a muscle we need to exercise. I say this all the time!
Although the NYT series suggests “taking stock” as a one-day activity for the 7-day challenge, I chose it as the January challenge in my Facebook group.
In episode 42 of Dear Nina, I took stock of my friendships and explained what I found. Using some personal examples, I came up with five patterns of friendships I deeply appreciate and enjoy.
FIND EPISODE #42, ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, or anywhere you listen to podcasts.
Am I your work friend? Your real friend? Or your customer?
In episode 41, I spoke to narrative coach, Lisa Harris, about the fuzzy lines between “work friends” and “real friends.” We also discussed the line people cross between friend and customer.
Lisa and I loosely defined “work friends” as not only people you see in an office, but fellow entrepreneurs or creatives who do similar work. Whether you have a friendship outside of the work chatter can be confusing.
It’s natural to go from leaning on someone for professional advice to personal advice. Sometimes that’s a welcome transition to friendship, but not always. This is where we have to pick up cues. Is this person taking you up on offers to hang out outside of work? Is this person making it clear that their outside-of-work life is too full? Are you the one who needs to set boundaries if you’re wanting to stay in the “work only” zone?
Lisa and I advised not burning a bridge. Maybe you’re not open to a friendship now, but you might change your mind. And the opposite is true. Someone may be setting boundaries with you now, but they could be open later. Key: Don’t act standoffish when your first request for coffee outside of work is denied.
There is nothing wrong with trying to take a work friend to another level of friendship. Work is often where we meet friends!
The Friend Who Is Always Selling
This topic probably merits an entire episode, but for now, Lisa and I touched on:
People selling anything or asking friends to show up at events need to be careful about not overtaxing their friends’ time and attention. Yes, friends should be supportive, but there is such a thing as expecting too much and asking too often.
I addressed the issue of friends’ expectations about supporting new businesses, etc., in an anonymous question I answered on this Substack.
AN IDEA: If you have friends inviting you to tons of work-related events, try saying you’re thrilled to support them and you’re excited to attend two events this season. Ask them which two events would help the most.
I started a Zoom book club and you’re invited!
Want to discuss books about friendship or meet fellow listeners/readers? I started the Dear Nina book club just for that.
No need to commit to more than one book at a time. The first one is February 5th at 7:00PM CST to chat about Truth & Beauty by Ann Patchett.
Friendship Roundup #16
I love doing these friendship roundups! I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or people send them to me.
A sweet story about a group of strangers dealing with days-long flight delays and renting a van. I hope they stay connected.
"How We Learned to be Lonely" by Arthur C. Brooks in The Atlantic
An stunning Modern Love column about a tragic friendship loss by Karen Paul.
On The Puberty Podcast-- "How Many Friends is Enough?"
On the Ask Lisa podcast-- "My Friends' Kids are Excluding My Kid: What Should I Do?" (I also covered that back in episode 2 of Dear Nina. Hard one!)
Write to me anonymously at ninabadzin.com/dearnina. That will take you directly to the form, which doesn’t require an email address.