The 10% Rule in Friendship
Plus: Savoring our friends' news with "Tell me more"
It was a full circle moment on the podcast this week when I got to tell my guest, positive psychology coach, Ann Imig, how she played a part in this friendship gig.
It had nothing to do with our episode topic, which was “The Negativity Bias in Friendship and Moving Towards Positivity Instead.” And I spent too much time talking about myself. (Sorry, Ann!) But it was a thrill for me to connect the dots from Ann’s creation of the Listen to Your Mother Show in 2010 to my first friendship advice column in 2014. I will not restate it all here, but if you’re interested, it’s all in episode 125 of Dear Nina.
Let’s get to Ann’s discussion of the 10% rule in friendships, her brilliant reminder to use the expression, “Tell me more,” and some other nuggets of wisdom from Ann’s coaching work.
Using the 10% rule to handle conflict with friends. And saying “Tell me more!”
In a favorite moment of mine from the episode, Ann said:
What if you could allow that the other person is at least 10% right? And what if you spent your energy in the conversation looking for that 10% point of connection, especially if it's somebody you really love? Or that there's 10% of the information you don't have right now that might completely change your opinion.
So even allowing that you don't know everything going on, whether it's from your perspective or actual information, can calm the situation down and help you get a little more curious.
I especially loved this point:
Ann said, . . . And ask yourself, at the end of my life, looking back, how important is this? And that can guide you for how you want to treat this other person. Because so many conflicts are about people getting dug in about positions, and there might be a place of connection that you're not seeing right now.
Then Ann shared another useful framing for connecting with a friend. This is Ann in her own words, from the teachings of psychologist Martin Seligman:
Let's look at the positive of how you can enrich the friendships that are going well. When somebody shares a piece of news, it's not just ‘yay’ it's ‘TELL ME MORE.’
Where were you when you got the news? What did they see in you? Draw out the story. This changes our brains and the brains of the person that we're talking about in real time, because our brains have neurons that mirror the other person when we're speaking. . . I know this podcast is all about making plans, taking time to spend together—this is money in the bank. Be present, show up when you show up in deep curiosity and genuine questioning, especially when things are going well. Because of this negativity bias we were talking about earlier, it's harder for us to remember the good things.
Ann works a lot with concepts from positiveintelligence.com. She also offers a free intro session Special offer for Fans of Dear Nina: Experience the life-changing experience of coaching with Ann for free (no strings attached!). Dear Nina listeners receive a full 50-min discovery session rather than the typical half-hour consult. ListenLifeCoaching.com
FIND EPISODE #125 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.
One more episode you might have missed in the last two weeks
I answered three short anonymous friendship dilemmas from listeners. The full text of the letters can be found here (but I also read them in the episode).
The subjects are:
A listener whose friend makes little digs at her whenever they shop together.
A listener whose friend always chimes in late to the plan-making in the group text thread then wants to make changes.
A listener who wants to introduce her friends to each other, but is worried about getting excluded eventually.
FIND EPISODE #124 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.
Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days
Reading: I finished The Snarling Girl, a new essay collection by Elisa Albert. I’ve been an Albert fan since her first short story collection in 2008, How This Night is Different. Both her fiction and non-fiction have a bite, and I always appreciate her utter honesty. I’m listening to The New Menopause by Dr. Mary Claire Haver. It’s hardly a thrilling read, but it’s stuff I need to learn.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: On Apple, I’m all caught up with Shrinking, and I still love it. I finished Disclaimer. I hated the first two episodes of Disclaimer, maybe even the first three. Then I got the idea and reached the end quickly. Did I like it? I guess so? It was not exactly a pleasant viewing experience. I’m watching Outlander and Three Women on Starz.
Cooking: My husband and I loved this chicken shawarma dish, but our kids did not.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
On making new friends after 50 (and why you should be open to it). by Charles M. Blow in the NYT. (gift link)
This MPR piece about being “ghosted” by friends after cancer was much discussed on my Facebook page and in my Facebook group. It hit a nerve.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship. All the social media links are below.
Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | Threads | Twitter | Bluesky |My Website
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links