The Lonely Half of the "Best" Friendship

Further thoughts on uneven friend dynamics

Photo of lilies by (me!) while on a walk

All recent podcast episodes of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship are listed here with links for all listening apps. In the June 21st episode, I dealt with the term “best friend,” which is NOT covered in the question below in the same way. Just know, I’m aware of how many issues people have with those two words.

Dear Nina,

I have a best friend who I met five years ago, and I struggle at times with how to cope with our dynamic. We met and immediately "clicked" in a way that I have never clicked with anyone before. We spent tons of time together, including a few holidays at my house with our families. We were especially inseparable that first year.

“Freya” (as I will call her here), moved 30 minutes away after the first year. She is still my number one favorite friend, and I do a lot to keep the connection strong. I write her cards for her birthday and on our friendship anniversary; I organize a couples’ trip; I still invite her to spend holidays with us, which she often declines; I get her a special birthday present; I reach out to make plans with her often; And we always go to her town, not mine.

I make it as easy as possible for Freya to stay close to me. She often accepts the invitations, and we always have an amazing time together. However, she does not reciprocate in the same way. She does not make me cards or get me special gifts; she does not often reach out to make plans; and she does not offer to come to my town when I have frequently been to hers.

I know you have done episodes before on reciprocity, and the message was to accept being the initiator if that’s your strength. But what if this is your BEST friend? What if you call her your best friend frequently and she doesn't say it back anymore? I have addressed the seeming inequalities in our friendship before, but she gets defensive and shuts it down.

So I'm wondering, what if one person wants more than the other in terms of how special that friendship is? I know Freya loves me a lot, but I feel like friendship, in general, is more important to me than it is to her. She doesn't need or want “rituals” in our friendship to stay close. She appreciates them, but doesn't reciprocate. Do I accept that fact? Or do I stop trying so hard? It makes me sad, as I would love my best friend to pour as much into our friendships as I do.

Many thanks, The Lonely Half of the “Best” Friendship

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Dear The Lonely Half of the “Best” Friendship,