Therapy for Friendship Issues
Plus: the art of handling friendship rejection
When it feels like the world is spinning out of control (like right now), we need our friends more than ever. But what if issues with your friends, or lack of friends, is yet another factor making life chaotic and lonely?
I have readers and listeners who are in that position. They know healthy friendships are crucial, but creating and maintaining those relationships feels insurmountable. If that is you, I promise you are not alone.
I recorded the most recent episode of Dear Nina with these listeners’ and readers’ emails in mind. Joined by award-winning psychotherapist, Roxanne Francis, CEO of Francis Psychotherapy & Consulting Services, we went over the five areas of friendship dilemmas I hear about most often and when it might be time to address these issues with a therapist.
Below, I included some of the bullet points from our discussion. And of course you can listen to our 25-minute chat here. (That link leads to almost every app where podcasts play.)
5 Friendship Issues to Consider Addressing With a Therapist
#1. You feel you have no friends.
You might have more friends than you think.
Why you shouldn't look for a "BFF."
#2. You struggle to keep friends because friends are ghosting you.
It's okay, even recommended, to spend time grieving the end of a friendship, even if was not a dramatic end such as a matter of different "seasons" of life.
Explore the reasons some friendships have ended if this is a pattern.
It's normal for friendships to end, but a long trail of ex-close friends might be worth exploring with a professional---whether many friends have ended friendships with you or you have been the one to leave.
#3. You struggle to keep friends because you often cut people out of your life.
How to tell a friend that a friendship has reached the end of the road for you. (Hard!) Why it might be compassionate to be direct about this.
Be careful about getting caught up in "cut off" culture.
Confronting jealousy you have towards a friend instead of cutting them off to avoid your feelings.
#4. All of your friendships are happening through a screen.
In-person friendships are essential and help you develop empathy. You need to see in real time how your words impact other people.
We need in-person friendships to exercise our social graces such as extending compassion, waiting your turn, sharing a meal together, and so on. Without that practice, people develop anxiety about going out and being with people.
#5. Protecting your boundaries has gotten in the way of feeling connected to friends and community.
Balancing individualism
It's in community that we find out about ourselves
Taking our walls down to create deeper relationships requires vulnerability, which means we cannot be overly focused on boundaries all of the time.
Please trust me that all of this is worth hearing in Roxanne’s voice!
The Art of Living Well
I love being a guest on other shows! I enjoyed a nuanced and lively conversation with Marnie Marmet and Stephanie Potter of The Art of Living Well Podcast about making new friends, taking a connection from acquaintance to friend, and balancing new friendships with current friendships. We spent a good chunk of time on handling disappointment and rejection in the process of it all.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I got a kick out of Julia-Louise Dreyfus interviewing Ina Garten on Wiser Than Me. They spend a lot of time towards the end talking about friendship.
A different perspective on friendship breakups: “You don’t need a guide for breaking up with your friends, because you don’t need to break up with your friends,” Olga Khazan in The Atlantic piece, “Stop Firing Your Friends”
“Gain fresh perspectives by building meaningful relationships with older and younger people” by Mia Brabham Nolan (former Dear Nina guest) in Shondaland.com.
Books & Shows I’m Into These Days
I’m on book 5 of the ACOTAR series. It’s a good one! The second best in the series. I will make a video when I’m done with my opinion on the best to worst in the series. For now, my latest Instagram reel combines Dirty Dancing and Clueless to symbolize all the relationships in these books. I crack myself up!
I started (and am enjoying!) The Long Island Compromise by Taffy Brodesser-Akner thanks to an early release copy from netgalley.com.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I have not watched one thing since my last newsletter! That wasn’t really on purpose. Mostly in the time I would have been watching a show I’ve been listening to the ACOTAR series and/or watching the world go down in flames on social media. (Just being honest.)
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter/X, and most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
Two past anonymous friendship advice questions
“How to Run Into an Ex-Friend”
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina to highlight all 5 stars and press the “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
Excited to listen to this podcast and to listen to your conversation as a guest in the other podcast. You’ve given us a lot of good links to explore here, Nina. Thank you! I agree with the wisdom of making friends in other generations. This was such a lifeline when I was an expat and I’ve kept it up in the US, too. This first happened by accident as I was the only mom of little kids in my adult German course after we moved back. Then I frequently found myself the only “elder millennial” in my online writing groups. I love it! My peers see me as just me, outside the roles I have with so many other people in my life. These kinds of friendships are one of my quickest ways “in” to feeling most like myself.