Your 3 to 5 Closest Friends
Plus: Have you met Rebekah?
Plenty of friends for “the pool,” but not “the jacuzzi”
What if you have lots of casual, decent friends, but nobody in the inner circle? Two weeks ago on the podcast (episode #136) my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs, and I answered a fantastic and relatable question from a listener facing that exact issue. She wasn’t asking how to make friends. She was struggling with deepening friendships. You can hear the full letter in the episode!
Rebekah and I discussed concrete ways for getting closer to people you already like and creating deeper bonds: increase the frequency of your time together, share good news, be “messy,” ask for a favor, change the venue, and become beginners together.
The “pool” vs “jacuzzi” metaphor the letter writer quoted came from episode #126 with Anna Goldfarb– Is it Time For a Friendship Cleanse? In Anna’s book: Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, Anna talks about these water metaphors for thinking about our social lives. We can have lots of friends in “the pool” but only a few belong in “the jacuzzi.” Maybe three to five? And we only get one or two in “the bathtub,” which might include a significant other.
Anna saw my post on Instagram about this episode and commented with even more wisdom, which I’m quoting for you here.
She said, “This is a great question! How do you determine who’s in your jacuzzi? It depends on the roles these people play for you. Tom Rath writes in his book, Vital Friends, that there are eight core roles loved ones play for us.”
Builder
Champion
Collaborator
Companion
Connector
Energizer
Mind Opener
Navigator
There’s more on this in Anna’s book, Modern Friendship. To quote
describing her book: “You will come away knowing who is in your inner circle and why.”Meet the Dear Nina assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs
Another reason to listen to episode #136 is that Rebekah joined me “on air” to answer last week’s question, but she’s been behind the scenes for at least six months. Rebekah and I are newer good friends, with our own friendship story. (We shared at the beginning of the episode.)
Rebekah and I met because she was a listener with an equally deep interest in friendship. She’s a college professor, longtime writing teacher and writing coach, and a major reader. She lives in the suburbs of Maryland with her husband and three kids (reminder, I’m in Minnesota) and she’s VERY SMART. Another interesting thing about Rebekah, which you’ll hear about in an episode later this spring, is that she has no social media and hasn’t for many years.
And finally, it’s good for people to know that if you’re pitching the show as a potential guest, you’re really writing to me AND Rebekah. We make these decisions together because it’s hard to run an entire show all by yourself, which I know because its what I did for many years. I’m thrilled to have Rebekah on the team!
FIND EPISODE #136 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
KEEP UP WITH THE 2025 FRIENDSHIP CHALLENGE
You can start the 2025 challenge any time. Each month is meant to stand alone and you don’t need an entire month to accomplish any of them. Find the challenges for January, February, and March at this link.
STAY IN TOUCH AND LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES by commenting on each month’s post or in the Dear Nina Facebook group.
Episode #137: Find Your Walking Friends
Many of us enjoy walking with friends for the mental and physical benefits. However, the power of walking with friends is EXTRA inspiring in this week’s episode.
Leslie Hooton had to learn to walk multiple times throughout her life because of a stroke she had when she was born and numerous surgeries she’s endured since. Leslie shares how neighborhood friends each took an assigned day when her beloved gym closed so that Leslie’s muscles would get the essential movement necessary to keep her on her feet and healthy.
Leslie shares wisdom on friendship she gained through these walks and through life in general. This is one you don’t want to miss if you didn’t catch it the first time.
FIND EPISODE #137 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Previous two-time Dear Nina guest and a favorite newer friend, Rachel Levy Lesser, on feeling like she had no one to call in an important moment.
Thanks to
of The Freelance Writing Direct Podcast and “Writing That Gets Noticed” on Substack, for inviting me on to talk about how I landed in such a specific niche for my writing and podcasting. If you follow me, you know it’s all friendship all the time, but it wasn’t always that way. I’m glad it is now! The writing life was chaotic for me before this switch.Books, Shows, Recipes I’m Into These Days
Reading: I’m still listening to Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara. Reading Show Don’t Tell by Curtis Sittenfeld. My 2025 reading list can be found here. I update it throughout the year. Past years are here.
TV: I’m keeping up with White Lotus.
Finally listening to music again! the Hadestown and Great Gatsby soundtracks are on repeat. My daughter will be playing Eurydice in her school’s version of Hadestown later this spring. At this point I could be an understudy (except that I can’t sing). Fun fact: on these two Broadway soundtracks, the same actress—Eva Noblezada—originated both Eurydice in Hadestown and Daisy in Gatsby.
Cooking: One of the dishes we made in the March challenge inspired hyperlocal cooking class I hosted was a garlic confit very similar to this one. It’s delicious over hummus or really with anything.
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them!
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