“Dinner parties are back” according to The Guardian. And they’re not just back for mid-lifers like me. Casual dinner parties are newly on-trend for Gen Z, too.
I’m sharing 10 tips for easier hosting below.
In episode 84 of Dear Nina, I spoke with my close friend and hostess extraordinaire, Debra Arbit, of @fortheloveofcookbooks, about why inviting people into your home is an excellent way to move a friendship forward. We spent time on how to make hosting easier since we know inviting people over for a meal can add a layer of stress to hanging out. We both believe the benefits outweigh any of the downsides.
We also spent half of the episode talking about our real-life adult friendship story. Six years ago we went from officemates to close friends, which required the friendship realities I talk about frequently here on Substack and on the show. There was a key text, a lunch ask, then later a walk, and so on. We also had to make room in our lives and show some vulnerability and flexibility.
In the episode, we remembered some personal details of our early friendship, but the bottom line is true for almost everyone: Good chemistry isn't enough to transition to a good friendship. One person in the acquaintanceship has to "make a move." (That’s me on Instagram talking about making moves). Listen to our chat for more!
10 Tips for making hosting easier
#1. Remember, the goal of hosting is to make other people comfortable and to connect. This isn't about perfect food, a perfect setting, or perfectly behaved kids if you have them. The actual food is not that important. Also, don’t spend the whole time apologizing for actually living in your space.
#2. Practice makes all the difference. You don’t need to be “great” at hosting. Doing it is what makes it easier. And you still might burn the food, over salt things etc. The more you host, you just don’t take it so hard.
#3. Give assignments. Debra especially likes to assign dessert, which can easily be store bought. I also give assignments.
#4. Let there be casual time upfront. Debra doesn’t like to have everyone sit to eat until at least 30 minutes after arrival. Guests can help at this time— they can fill water or do other finishing touches on the table. They can slice a final ingredient. People feel relieved to help.
#5. Always have water ready to go. I spent an oddly long time on this in the episode. It was a surprisingly passionate topic for me.
#6. Don’t clear the glasses until everyone is gone. Debra and I emphatically agree on this: Do Not Clear The Glasses or you still end up filling up more glasses. Trust us!
#7. Think about who can “middle.” Not everyone is good at sitting in the middle. Consider the seating and what would allow for conversation and connection to happen. See this hilarious clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm for an example of bad “middling.” It’s more in the second-half of the 4-minute clip.
#8. If there are kids involved, let the kids leave the table quickly. If you’re trying to spend time with your adult friends (or potential friends), encourage the kids to scurry along. Use your time alone at home to practice all the manners. In front of another family is not the time. (I’ve made this mistake and regretted it.)
#9. Don’t expect a tit-for-tat reciprocation of an invite back to your friend’s place. If your guest reaches out for plans next, that’s a great response, even it’s for a walk or a cup of coffee. Not everyone wants to have people over or feels up to it. Debra used the example of knitting. If someone knit you a sweater as a gift, you wouldn’t say, “But I didn’t knit you a sweater.” You'd accept the gift and a find another way to show your gratitude for the friendship or interest in becoming better friends.
#10. Always accept help clearing plates. Even just having friends carry stuff to the sink is a big help. You can leave it at that.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I was interviewed by Anna Goldfarb, author of the upcoming, Modern Friendship, about my obsession with this topic and some of what I’ve learned so far after being immersed in all things friendship-related for almost a decade. She wrote it up for her Substack, Friendship Explained.
Former two-time Dear Nina guest and super-talented memoirist, Christie Tate, has a piece in The Meadowlark Review: “A Sponsor Lost, a Friendship Found.”
"How to Spot a Frenemy—And Be a Real Friend” by Arthur C. Brooks in The Atlantic.
Books & Shows
I finished listening to The Last Love Note by Emma Grey. I enjoyed the story, which was a bit heavier than it seems it’s going to be at first. The narrator for the audio is excellent. I haven’t read something that deals with a brewing romance in a long time, and that was so fun.
See my full 2023 reading list and the beginning of my 2024 list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
I’m still recommending the wonderful show Julia on Max. I haven’t watched anything since I mentioned it last week.
JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP where we talk about books, TV, recipes, and friendship wins and struggles.
The first anonymous friendship advice question of 2024
“Make the First Friendship Move”
A reader asked how she can get to know a person from her walking group who seems to have good friend potential. She asked if it would be weird to try and take the friendship outside of the group. What do you think I said?
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
If you are willing to leave a review on Apple Podcasts, you can do that here.
Mu husband and I learned an important hosting lesson when our family, with young children, had dinner at a relatives home with their adult children and grandchildren. We all helped clear the table, then stood around talking in the kitchen while the kids played. Even though dessert was laid out on the buffet, ready to go, it wasn't offered, as the hosts did the dishes, wiped down the dinner table, and sorted all the leftovers.
Eventually, their adult kids said "we've got to go, it's the grandkids' bedtime", to which the hosts said "but we haven't had dessert yet!" They had been so preoccupied with cleaning up that they didn't take into account that their guests had a time limit.
We vowed to do minimal cleaning while guests were in our home from then on, especially with young kids.
And yes, always fill water glasses ahead of time and have a pitcher ready to go for refills!