Do You Talk to Friends About Sex?
Shared books as the conduit to this intimate topic
A brief history of the books that helped us (me?) talk about “intimate” topics with friends
Raise your hand (or give me a heart in the comments) if you passed around Judy Blume’s Forever from one friend to the next. There have been many versions of the cover since it came out in 1975, but the one I remember is below.
For context, I’m in my late 40s. Each generation has specific references for the books, shows, and other art that helped broach the topic of sex among friends. I want to hear yours!
Or maybe it was so forbidden in your circles that no piece of entertainment could have broken the ice. Tell me about that, too.
Forever, which I read in middle school, wasn’t the first book that became a pass-around text. The books I shared before that were in the Sweet Valley High Series. I underlined sections about Jessica, Elizabeth, Bruce, Todd. There were crushes and light “action” in these books, which we were reading in 5th grade. It was fairly PG, but definitely a gateway drug!
By 9th grade I was already reading Danielle Steel, Jackie Collins, and soon after that, some Sidney Sheldon, which was particularly dark, and not in a good way. Jackie and Danielle were sexy without being gruesome, so I stuck to those authors for a while.
Later in high school, I got more into what in the mid-90s we called “chick lit” until it later (maybe a decade later?) got rebranded as “women’s fiction.” These books were much tamer and a bit more literary despite their covers and marketing campaigns. Think: Waiting to Exhale and Bridget Jones’s Diary. The list goes on and on. I still dip into this genre when Jennifer Weiner or Emily Giffin has a new release, but these are not the books that serve as a potential conduit for “intimate” chats with our friends.
These days, the books seem darker and MUCH SEXIER than I remember from my teens through my 30s, but perhaps I didn’t know about that genre before I joined TikTok a few years ago and got heavily influenced by “BookTok.” Yes, I enjoyed the entire Court of Thorns and Roses series in 2024. I did not, however, like All Fours, at all. All Fours, a National Book Award Finalist(!?), was of course, not meant to be a dark fantasy, and perhaps that was the problem.
If you found this valuable or nostalgic, consider Restacking so more people can see it.
Talking to Friends About Sex at Any Age
ALL of this is to say: it’s much easier talking to friends about sexy books than real-life sex, and that’s only become more true beyond the teen years when we needed each other’s advice to know anything about anything.
When couples and sex therapist, Dr. Arielle Buch-Frohlich, emailed me asking if I’d like to do an episode on the benefit of talking to our friends about sex, at any age, I said yes, then stressed about it for days leading up to our recording time. It’s an awkward topic! I’ve been married for 24 years. I have four kids! But I think we did it justice.
Dr. Arielle feels that normalizing conversations about sex, despite significant taboos around this topic, can lead to healthier relationships since human sexuality evolves over time, just like we do. We discussed how single and married friends can share experiences. And covered a lot more—all in 28 minutes.
FIND EPISODE #133 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
REMINDER: The February Challenge is happening now.
This month consider a simple tradition or ritual you could begin with one friend or more. If you have rituals or traditions you’re already doing with friends, share in the comments of last week’s post or in the Facebook group. (Or respond to this email.)
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“Everyone’s Lonely But No One Can Hang out” by
on Substack. This post is a FANTASTIC example of creating a friendship ritual, being the planner, and creating the social life you want.“Fancy a stroll? Across Europe, young people like me are finding friends by walking our cities.” by Viola Di Grado in The Guardian
Books, Shows, Recipes I’m Into These Days
Reading: I’m likely starting the audio of The Third Gilmore Girl, which is Kelly Bishop’s memoir. Has anyone read it?
TV: I started White Lotus. I love Parker Posey in ANYTHING. I can’t say the first episode knocked me over with excitement. It takes awhile to get into a new cast of characters. (True for books, too.)
Cooking: I’ve now made Melissa Ben-Ishay’s Green Goddess Salad a handful of times with whatever fresh herbs I have around and it’s always delicious.
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
(The February question is coming soon!)
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them!
Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | Threads | Twitter | Bluesky | My Website
What about V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic? The librarian at my school assumed the girls just liked horror books as that cover was creepy as all get out.
I started reading "The Third Gilmore Girl" but didn't get through it before I had to return to the library. I just got it and I'm only 20% through it. I had no idea about her dancing background and holy cow, The Chorus Line? Crazy story there.
I was the only bookish person among my friends so there was no passing books back and forth. I just read and wondered. :/ There has been no "normal" sex conversations for me with friends and has never been brought up. Menopause symptoms are more likely the reason we hint at sex but never about intimacy.
I still need to listen to your episode with Arielle and sooo curious how she recommends broaching the subject.