How to Comfort Your Friends
And: Assuming the best of friends who don't know the "right" thing to say
Do you know how your friends like to be comforted?
You only learn what your friends want and need by showing up, even if you don’t get it “right” at first. What does showing up mean in the middle of a massive crisis like the one happening in Southern California? Or any crisis? There’s never one right answer.
Do something, though.
It can be tempting to say and do nothing in difficult times. We fear saying the wrong thing and getting criticized, rejected, or even mocked.
It can also be tempting to assume our friends like to be comforted in the same way we like to be comforted. On social media I’ve seen people write about their surprise on not hearing from certain friends. And I just saw someone warn followers to avoid texting friends from Southern California out of the blue. I’m guessing she meant acquaintances in this case? I can understand that. When it comes to a friend though, I don’t think completely ignoring the crisis in anyone’s life is a good idea.
In episode #129 (a quick 10-minute one this week), I talked about the time, not too long ago, when a friend told me she didn’t like how I comforted her. I tend to mirror situations. So if it’s an irksome or difficult one, my voice and words will convey those feelings. This isn’t something I knew about myself until our conversation forced me to think about it. She told me she prefers something more positive, which I took in stride and immediately changed my tone going forward—with her.
But I didn’t change how I respond with my other friends because not everyone likes a positive tone in hard times, including ME. So the best I can do in most cases is be my natural self.
This conversation with my friend, which I’m thankful she bravely instigated, gave me the opportunity to tell her it would annoy me if she said something uplifting when I just wanted to vent or let her know what’s going on.
And our friendship survived this conversation! We can let friends know when we want something different from them. Bottom line, if you don’t know how your friend likes to be comforted, I can promise you that the lowest hanging fruit is always available—which is hearing from you in some form, even a text to start. I suggest saying you don’t expect a response. But use your best guess and show up with good intentions. That’s all you “need” to do in friendship. The rest will work itself out. Most reasonable people aren’t expecting perfection or for you to read their minds.
Friendships can recover from someone saying the “wrong” thing or using the “wrong” tone. Not showing up though? That’s a tougher thing to get over, and without a sincere apology, that wound will not heal.
FIND EPISODE #129 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
Here is a vetted list of organizations collecting funds to help everyone affected by the fires in Southern California.
Episode #128: The One Several People Told Me Has Been in Their Top Three of ALL TIME
This episode is a particularly special one because it came from an unexpected, beautiful letter. National bestselling author, Steve Phillips wrote to me expressing his gratitude for episodes that helped him reframe his thoughts on friendship after the devastating loss of his wife of 32 years, Susan Sandler, who died of brain cancer in December 2022 after living with the disease for six years.
Steve wasn’t pitching the show in that letter, but I asked him if he’d honor me by sharing his experiences with friendship. It was a really good conversation about various topics having to do with rebuilding your social life after a loss, making plans, “real friends” vs “deal friends” and more.
FIND EPISODE #128 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
I need your opinion!
It’s been over 3.5 years of podcasting and “Substacking” as Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. I’m finally surveying my audience. Please consider filling out this VERY SHORT and ANONYMOUS survey to help me serve your friendship needs and interests.
REMINDER: We’re doing monthly friendship challenges here! Whenever you’re reading this, start today! And it’s free. All you need is a little bit of courage and a willingness to try more than once each month if you don’t get the results you want at first.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I was a guest on SuperPsyched with Dr. Adam Dorsay! Dr. Dorsay is a psychologist and author in San Jose, California. We really hit it off when he recorded on my show (which will release in mid-February.) Then Dr. Dorsay asked me to be on his show. He got his episode out first! We had tons to talk about regarding adult friendships, and I feel like I got a therapy session for myself in there too. He’s a great interviewer and has the BEST voice.
Dear Nina listener and singer-song writer, Leïla Six, wrote a beautiful song about friendship. You can listen on YouTube!
Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days
Reading: I’m in the middle of four books right now: A Blessing Not a Burden by Dr. Alex Kor and Graham Honaker. You Didn’t Hear This From Me: (Mostly) True Notes on Gossip by Kelsey McKinney; The Amen Effect by Rabbi Sharon Brous. And I will finish listening to What I Ate in One Year by Stanley Tucci, but that one is really just OK at best. (I’m sorry Mr. Tucci! I adore you anyway!)
My 2024 book reviews all in one place. I will start the 2025 page soon. (I have pages going back to 2011 on my site!)
TV: My 2024 TV reviews all in one place. Currently I have one episode left of Outlander. I finished Three Women so I can cancel Starz soon. Three Women was good, but I personally wouldn’t get Starz just to watch it. I always catch the next episode of Abbott Elementary that’s available on Hulu since I got a great Hulu deal for six months. I’m not watching that much these days. Too many books and podcasts!
Cooking: Last week I made the chicken soup and chopped broccoli salad from the new The Ambitious Kitchen cookbook by Monique Volz. Both were great and lasted for three days. This week so far I made the beef stew, green goddess ranch salad, and healing chicken soup from Baked by Melissa. All three were delicious! The two chicken soups were similar. I liked The Ambitious Kitchen one more because Melissa’s had coconut milk, which made it a touch too sweet. But it was still good!
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship. All the social media links are below.
Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | Threads | Twitter | Bluesky |My Website
Two old anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
A fresh 2025 question is coming soon!
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
"Friendships can recover from someone saying the “wrong” thing or using the “wrong” tone. Not showing up though? That’s a tougher thing to get over, and without a sincere apology, that wound will not heal." This is so unbelievably true.
80% of life is just showing up, and the rest does just figure itself out.
“You don’t have to respond” has been such a freeing way to end a text to a friend who’s going through something. It really takes the pressure off both of us ❤️