The Friendships that Feed You Vs. Bleed You
Do you leave time with that friend renewed or exhausted?
Does this friendship “feed you or bleed you?”
Many of the anonymous letters I receive ask me how one knows for sure that a friendship has come to an end. The letter writer will often explain the many good things the friend has done in the past. Inevitably, the next paragraph lists the ways this same friend has drained the letter writer beyond reason.
Credit to this week’s guest, psychologist Dr. Adam Dorsay, author of Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love, for the helpful, rhyming expression challenging you to ask yourself, “Does this friendship feed you or bleed you?” (Oh, and Super Psyched has been endorsed by Lori Gottlieb, Daniel H. Pink, Mel Robbins, Guy Kawasaki, A.J. Jacobs, and many others.)
Dr. Adam’s exact words in the book:
Even in the best friendship, we may feel bled or depleted at times, but it’s better that those experiences be in the minority. A great way to discern whether you are being ‘fed or bled’ is to do what I call the ‘drive-away test.’ Imagine you’ve been hanging out with a friend, whether in person, on the phone, or even online. How do you feel driving away or leaving the hangout? Do you feel taller, happier, renewed, or do you feel deflated, exhausted, or perhaps even used?
I think the “fed or bled” question is a great one if you’re unsettled in a friendship. Like Adam insinuates, I agree that no situation is perfect. You will not be “fed” 100% of the time. However, I suspect if you even have to ask the question, you already know the answer.
While friendships that “feed us” are an essential type of connection at every age and the area I discuss most often on Dear Nina, Adam and I expanded our conversation in episode #132 to the four types of connections we need.
Those four areas are: connection to ourselves, to others, to the world around us, and to something greater. The something “greater” includes any kind of awe, and this works for atheists, too.
I loved recording this episode! Adam has THE BEST VOICE—trust me. We also discussed the “feed” model for enhancing connection, the consequences of disconnection, the nuances of loneliness and solitude, strategies for revitalizing old friendships, the role of activities in making new friends, and the impact of a fear of rejection on social interactions. We packed a lot into 34 minutes.
Adam and I got along so well that we recorded a entirely different episode about adult friendships on his podcast! (Ep #247 of SuperPsyched, “A Conversation With Nina Badzin”).
FIND EPISODE #132 of Dear Nina on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
REMINDER: The February Challenge is happening now.
This month consider a simple tradition or ritual you could begin with one friend or more. If you have rituals or traditions you’re already doing with friends, share in the comments of last week’s post or in the Facebook group. (Or respond to this email.)
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“5 Signs You’ve Outgrown a Friendship According to Therapists” by Jenna Ryu in Self Magazine. (Thanks to
for sending this to me.)- of . (Katherine will be on Dear Nina in the next few months.)
“Why Friendships Feel so Hard in Midlife—and What to Do About It” I was on The Next ChaptHER Podcast last week talking about midlife friendships, reframing reciprocity (my favorite subtopic of friendship), and lots more. Listen on Apple or Spotify, or anywhere else!
Books, Shows, Recipes I’m Into These Days
Reading: I’m looking to get completely swept up in a novel, which is why I started a thread in my Facebook group for *the best* book you’ve read in a while. Not the book you read most recently, which is what we usually discuss there. Here’s my 2025 reading list so far, but it’s mostly nonfiction for the podcast. I like nonfiction a lot! But it’s not in the “get swept up” category of reading in most cases.
TV: I watched a few episodes of the newest season of Abbott Elementary while I was cooking. I will be watching the new season of White Lotus soon.
Cooking: Tonight I’m making the ground beef over hummus recipe from What to Cook When You Don’t Feel Like Cooking by Caroline Chambers that I never got around to making last week.
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them!
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Keen to check out this podcast episode 😀