"Quiet quitting" a friendship is sometimes the right choice
Plus: Friends and Money!
MEND IT? END IT? OR SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE?
Let’s say you know that a friendship has run its course, but the friend has done nothing wrong. In a case like that, it’s not always the kind (or sensible) choice to have a direct conversation about the status of your friendship.
“Run its course” can result from any number of realities: a particularly hectic season of life, career changes, family changes, romantic changes, moving, or health issues. There are also friendships where the chemistry has felt too off for too long, and it all feels like too much work for not enough joy. What are you going to say? “I feel meh about you now?” That’s cruel.
So if it’s not about what the person has done, then there’s nothing to mend. If it’s not about who the person is at the core, there’s no reason for a dramatic end.
“Quiet quitting” is the latest term for withdrawing from a friendship, phasing out, or disengaging. In episode #109 with the insightful Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, an amazingly resourceful clinical psychologist in Montreal who specializes in friendship, we discussed all of the scenarios above and why someone might choose the strategy of “quiet quitting” for fading away from a friend.
“Quiet quitting” doesn’t happen in just one way. It’s hard to describe what it is, but I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not ghosting, which is a sudden disappearance, and it’s not confrontational. And it doesn’t always mean the friendship is over forever.
Is quiet quitting always the right choice? No, it’s not. Nor does it always work as a strategy to re-slot. But sometimes it’s exactly the right way to approach a friendship that’s faltering. Let’s get into it.
FIND EPISODE #109 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, YOUTUBE, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
Talking to Friends About Money
Money can be an enormous issue between friends, which is why I’m revisiting my conversation with Shondaland.com staff writer, Mia Brabham Nolan. We discussed ways to make talking about finances with friends less awkward. Some of the solutions apply to any topic that’s normally private and therefore tough to handle in friendships. Keeping so many topics taboo in a friendship can make the relationship feel surface and lacking in many ways. It might be worth making finances an “approved” topic!
FIND EPISODE #108 ON APPLE PODCASTS, SPOTIFY, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“My ex-BFF published a book about me” — I was RIVETED by this podcast episode of The Real Stuff with Lucie Fink. This is not a podcast I’d heard before, but my friend, Julie L, who knows my reading and listening habits, knew I’d eat up this story and she was correct.
“Miss your friends? Here are 4 strategies for reconnecting” by Jancee Dunn with quotes from two former Dear Nina guests,
and Danielle Bayard Jackson. (NYT gift link)“The Trouble With Friends: The wonder, and the curse, of friendship is choice.” by Weike Wang in The New Yorker
Books, Shows, Etc. I’m Into These Days
Started the audio of The Wedding People by Alison Espach and it’s already a good one.
Slogging through the first part of My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante and waiting for it to get better, which many of you promise me it will so I’m trusting you.
Almost done with, First Love: Essays on Friendship by Lilly Dancyger.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I started Lady Jane and liked it, but I keep forgetting to watch it. I’m one episode into the newest season of Emily in Paris.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter/X, and most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
The most recent anonymous friendship advice question
“I regret investing so much in this friendship.”
“You’ve Outgrown This Friendship For Now”
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
Thank you for the shout out, Nina! You ROCK!!!
I've heard great things about The Wedding People. I'm going to read it next I think. I am definitely in the minority but I only listened to the first two Ferrante books because I did not love them as much as everyone else!