The Needy Friend
Thoughts (with sensitivity) on having a needy friend or being one.
Before we get to neediness, which was an important and touching topic last week on the podcast, I have Dear Nina Book Club update.
The virtual Dear Nina Book Club where we discuss books through the lens of friendship is back in action. I aim to pick four books a year. Come to one meeting, come to only a few, or join me for all the books. I release the signups one at a time so there’s no longterm commitment.
For the first pick of 2024 we’re discussing Yellowface by R.F. Kuang. I’m only halfway through this novel and I already have so much I want to discuss about pressure, jealousy, recognition, and isolation. I’d love to meet listeners and newsletter readers in our Zoom meeting. Past discussions have been fantastic!
Let’s Discuss Neediness in Friendships
“Neediness” has come up in plenty of episodes, but episode #80 is the first time I dedicated an entire conversation to that sometimes-painful word. People rarely speak publicly about neediness, whether its having needs or resenting the needs of others.
The episode was inspired by a letter from listener and author, Sally Vardaman, who found herself reacting to my mom’s story in episode #72 about her decision to end a friendship over what she labeled, “neediness.”
Sally’s letter was so reflective and insightful that I asked her to come on the show. We addressed the awkwardness of admitting to neediness and of being bothered by others’ neediness. I believe we came at the subject with sensitivity and vulnerability.
We covered:
the reality of feeling drained by a friend’s needs.
worrying you’re overtaxing friends with your needs.
eliminating the shame of having needs in the first place. We all have needs! They just rarely cannot be met by one particular friend.
🎧 Listen to episode 80 anywhere you get your podcasts!
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“The Friendship Problem” by Rosie Spinks on Substack is one writer’s thoughts on having very few friends in her 30s.
Last week I learned the Celtic term for “soul friend.” This whole piece by Maria Popova was beautiful. Thank you to Gail C. for sending it my way.
On Instagram, I liked and agreed with “5 postures for turning an acquaintance into a friend” by @maryvangeffen.
Also on Instagram, I appreciated this visual from @adriaadamstattoo on how to support a friend’s small business. This is great for friends’ creative endeavors, too. (Podcasts, books, etc.)
Shows, Books, Recipes
I’m thoroughly enjoying the novel Yellowface by R.F. Kuang. I made it our next pick for The Dear Nina Book Club (in case you skipped the beginning of this newsletter).
See my updated 2023 reading list HERE.
I finished Upload on Prime and hope there’s one more season. It left off on a cliffhanger.
I’m watching The Crown. Episode 5 of season 6 had some father/son moments that left me in tears. The drama and sadness of this final season is the natural outcome of living by a code where how things seem is more important than the reality of the situation.
I started season 2 of The Gilded Age. It’s full of the expected petty moments of high society—and I live for that stuff (on TV, not in real life). Isn’t Mrs. Russel the ultimate “needy friend” to Mrs. Astor? Or is she cleverly posing as one to ultimately get Mrs. Astor on her side?
In my next newsletter I will do my full 2023 TV break down of The Great, The Good, and The Just Okay. (You can see last year’s here.)
JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP where we talk about books, TV, recipes, and friendship wins and struggles.
A few previous anonymous friendship advice questions
My Kid Ended a Friendship With Your Kid. Don’t Blame Me!
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
I always need more neediness content! 😊 Seriously though, it's not addressed much. Thanks for exploring the topic.
Love that visual on supporting a friend's endeavor. And I'm reading Yellowface right now, too!