The Worst Cities For Making Friends
And an alumni profile in WashU's magazine!
I have a groundbreaking theory about the best and worst cities for making friends. Fine, it’s not groundbreaking at all. But it is contrary to claims I see about towns that are harder based on if the population is more transient, the weather, and other factors.
Here’s my take: If you’re struggling to make new friends, then your city seems, to you, hard for making friends. You may experience confirmation bias when discussing your town with others who are having a hard time. Making friends is hard for a lot of people! You can find any number of people to say, “You’re right! This city is the worst for making friends.”
People say that about Minneapolis all the time.
But you can also find people who struggled less in that same city. There’s no “worst” or “best.” No matter where your town falls on a list, you have some power over this issue.
I found Minneapolis difficult to navigate, socially, when I arrived in June, 2000. In hindsight, I had unreasonable expectations of how people in well-established social circles would and “should” welcome me into their lives. It took time and loneliness to realize I’d need to create a social life myself and keep trying again, even when my efforts weren’t met with enthusiasm, or when the chemistry wasn’t working for me either.
People who have an easier time in a new city (or a new stage of life!) accept invitations and show up eager and ready to make new connections. More importantly, they don’t want for invitations. I harp on this often in the podcast, and even dedicated an entire episode to being the planner.
Let’s go for a walk.
Let’s sign up for this writing workshop. (Or sign up alone and see what happens from there.)
Let’s go see that author speak.
Yes, those examples are ones I’d enjoy. Start with the activities you like. At the very least, you’ll be doing something that’s fun for you.
I was so inspired by my most recent guest, Bri McKoy, who has moved with her husband seven times in the last 12 years because of his military position. The moment she stopped waiting for invitations was the moment moving became easier. She also taught herself to cook along the way and wrote a beautiful book to teach others.
MOVING EVERY THREE YEARS AND CREATING COMMUNITY
Bri’s husband, Jeremy, has been deployed four times since they were married. They’ve also moved seven times. Cooking helped Bri make friends while he was gone. She is now the author of a beautiful and helpful cookbook, The Cook’s Book, Recipes for Keeps and Essential Techniques to Master Everyday Cooking.
We covered:
the importance of creating a sense of community, even when you know you’re moving again
combating loneliness and building relationships
actionable advice on reaching out to others
learning patience in the kitchen and letting go of perfection as a host
🎧 Listen to episode 79 anywhere you get your podcasts!
WashU’s Magazine!
I had the exciting honor of an alumni profile in WashU’s magazine! Thank you to freelance journalist and two-time Dear Nina guest, Pam Moore, for writing this fantastic piece.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Someone Lonely Considers Me a Friend. Should I Stay in His Life? The NYT Magazine’s Ethicist columnist on the obligations we have to friends who are struggling. I covered a similar topic on one of my post popular episodes. It was with guest Ruchi Koval, titled, “I’m Just Not Into This Friendship.”
“What We Don’t Say” Andrea Jarrell writes about the slow ending to a decades-long friendship in Midstory Magazine.
Shows, Books, Recipes
I read the novella, The Young Man, by Annie Ernaux. I do not get the fuss, at all. Nobel Prize in 2022. WHAT!?
See my updated 2023 reading list HERE.
I’m watching and enjoying Upload on Prime Video. I tend to like alternative realities and/or futuristic settings in stories.
I’m going to dive into this Hanukkah round-up at Smitten Kitchen because I love Deb’s recipes. And Hanukkah starts tomorrow!
JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP where we talk about books, TV, and friendship wins and struggles.
A few previous anonymous friendship advice questions
“I was not included in my friend’s birthday dinner.”
“The friend who ignores your social media posts.” (A reader disagrees with my take.)
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
Go you! And that picture of you!
I have to chime in because I do feel like Minneapolis/ minnesota *is* harder. Maybe not to make friends but there is little social connection here.
Just going to Milwaukee, 5 hours away if you drive like I do, people on elevators chat and smile. Other women in bathrooms help each other. People in restaurants move over and then say something nice.
Back here in minnesota people seem to avert their eyes, bracing for any sort of accidental social encounter. Not that these interactions result in friends per se but it makes everything seem frosty.