This 7-Minute Rule Can Deepen a Friendship
And the rare gift of undivided attention
We live in a world where our focus is sliced up into a million tabs and notifications, where even 10 minutes of undivided attention can (sadly) feel like a big ask of friends or a big effort on our part. Yet when a friend is fully present—no scrolling, no “quickly checking,” no glancing at a screen or an Apple watch—it feels refreshing. Sacred, almost. It feels like we matter.
Isn’t that how we want friends to feel when they’re spending time with us!?
This week’s guest on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship is Katherine Martinko, author of Childhood Unplugged and of the Substack newsletter, The Analog Family. Our episode isn’t an anti-tech rant. It’s a nuanced conversation about what’s lost when we let phones dominate our social time and how to make small changes for the better. I need as much help with this as anyone else!
I’ve shared several of Katherine’s pieces in past newsletters, and we’ve discussed a few in my private Facebook group.
“Fix Your Analog Life First” urges readers to make sure you have non-screen activities in your life and real friends/family/acquaintances/neighbors to see before trying to massively curb your smartphone use.
“Go Where You’re Invited” is about the etiquette of hosting, but even more so about not cancelling last minute when someone invites you to hangout.
What’s this about a 7-minute rule?
Katherine shared that in Sherry Turkle’s book, Alone Together, Turkle says that seven minutes is the turning point in a conversation. That’s when we run out of surface-level chatter and face a choice about shifting the moment. Seven minutes. That’s all it takes before discomfort sets in—and something more meaningful could emerge.
We can choose to dive deeper, ask better questions, and answer questions with more vulnerability. Many people feel the itch to check their phones in this moment. I know I experience that feeling! And if the other person picks up a phone, forget it, I’m gone too. It’s contagious.
Can we resist the urge to “quickly check?” This is when real connection is born or broken.
We should all try it this week. Let’s go for a walk or meet a friend for coffee and leave our phones in our bags. Let’s push through that seven-minute threshold. Let’s see what happens when we lean towards what’s hard (or takes just the slightest bit of work) instead of escaping into the phone.
REMINDER: The 2025 friendship challenge is for everyone!
You can start the 2025 challenge any time. Each month is meant to stand alone and you don’t need an entire month to accomplish any of them. Find all the challenges listed here. Come back and let me know how it went no matter when you try that month’s “assignment.”
FOR TWIN CITIES READERS WHO WANT TO START A PODCAST
I’m running a two-hour workshop at ModernWell on May 14th, 12:30-2:30. I’ll discuss all the steps, answer questions, and we’ll end with time to run your idea by everyone at the table. Register here. Want a private session in-person or virtually? That info is here.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
- from A Love Letter to Letters has an inspiring letter-writing project that is a reminder of the connection possible in “old-fashioned” mail.
- on finding friendship in her 50s.
After my episode with Seth Kaplan about neighborhoods, I heard from Mary-Elizabeth Harmon about two resources for building community and thinking about where to live. One is this place planning assessment and another is Village Company 360.
Books, Shows, Recipes I’m Into These Days
Reading: I’m still reading Talk: The Science of Conversation and The Art of Being Ourselves by Allison Wood Brooks. Also listening to I See You’ve Called in Dead by John Kenney.
My 2025 reading list can be found here. I update it throughout the year.
TV: The Last of Us and Handmaid’s Tale are both back. Neither is “enjoyable” to watch, but I have to see what happens next!
Cooking: We’ve been making these meringue cookies as a delicious Passover treat. It’s a tradition in our house!
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them!
Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | Threads | Twitter | Bluesky | My Website
THANK YOU TO PAM MOORE—THIS WEEK’S DEAR NINA SPONSOR
Are you ready to stop stressing about food, exercise, and the scale so you can start fully showing up to your life? If you're ready to break up with dieting for good—but you need support to figure out how, Pam Moore can help. Pam is an intuitive eating coach with a background as an occupational therapist and certified personal trainer who is on a mission to help women heal their relationships with food so they can focus on a bigger life instead of a smaller body. Schedule a free discovery call to see how she can help you. AND, mention Dear Nina for 15% off your first session or your first package.
Links to Amazon, Bookshop.org, or other affiliates might earn me a tiny commission, which helps operations of Dear Nina.
This 7-minute rule is a great eye opener. I'm going to try it today when I meet up with a friend. It made me think of "7 Minutes in Heaven" that we played in middle school. No one had phones then. Thank you also for the mention!
Thanks for sharing my piece on finding friends
in my 50’s in a new town!