When "the more" is not "merrier"
Possible reasons you weren't invited: with Danielle Bayard Jackson
Most of us, who are people with feelings, don’t want to be considered exclusive. We want others to feel welcomed and comfortable around us. And we’d prefer to be included in friends’ activities and events even if we’re going to say, no thanks.
I know there’s a movement about leaning into the joy of cancelled plans or staying home from the get-go (with endless memes to share about that joy). But when it comes down to it, nobody feels great about being left out no matter your age or stage of life.
In episode 85 of Dear Nina, I had a frank conversation with Danielle Bayard Jackson, a friendship coach and national speaker on the topic of female friendships. Some listeners were grateful for the nature of the discussion while others felt like, NOPE, I’d still want the invitation and the option to say yes or no.
The episode came from Danielle’s viral TikTok and viral Instagram post on “Reasons Why You (Possibly) Weren’t Invited,” which caught my attention when they first appeared. She gave examples I have done myself (cringe) and others I’ve observed or read about in emails from readers and listeners.
Some of the (possible) reasons that Danielle and I discussed on Dear Nina are listed below. In the episode we discussed 12 reasons—nine from Danielle's videos, then I added three of my own.
It’s uncomfortable to discuss, but there are times when the more the merrier is not the case—when the group dynamics won’t work if everyone comes along. The reasons that might be the case are varied, and as Danielle pointed out in the episode, only rarely does it come down to, “They don’t like me.” And if it does, I say, it’s better if you’re not included so you can seek out better friends for you. That’s a hard task, of course. I don’t say it lightly. I have nearly a decade of writing about friendship and now 2.5 years of podcasts to support you.
Back to those invitations.
Some Possible Reasons You Weren’t Invited
A selection from Danielle’s list, which we expanded on in the episode:
Your friends didn't know you'd be interested, mostly because you’re always talking about how busy you are.
The activity is something you’re known to hate. For example, I hate camping. You don’t need to waste a camping invitation on me!
You’re always saying no, or canceling when you say yes.
The conversation is too imbalanced when you're there—meaning, you talk too much. Danielle and I each shared a story where we were told exactly that. We both worked to make improvements. I shred the full, awkward story in the episode.
You have too many problems with the other people coming and you make your issues with each person quite known.
The three I added:
You can't go with the flow and have to control all the plans.
You never respond to texts or emails, so everyone else must do the extra work to make sure you're included. This gets tiresome.
When you’re there, you never put down your phone. We spoke about the irony of balancing these last two. Yes, put your phone down. But also, yes, you have to answer your friends eventually. That’s life! Laura Tremaine and I spoke about this on episode 54 of Dear Nina: “Text Your Friends Back.”
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
In
, Katie Gibson wrote “My Friends Gave Me the Gift of Space.”I adore The Marginalian by Maria Popova. Check out, “Coleridge on the Paradox of Friendship and Romantic Love.”
I provided some friendship content for a travel company called Flash Pack on this Instagram reel about a balance of effort in friendships. I love how they added little graphics and music. It makes me see how much I need a social media manager. Something I’m considering! If you follow me on social media, you will see that their video is 1000 times better than the ones I make on my own. Though I am really proud of how far I’ve come on those little videos! You can see some on Instagram and many more on TikTok.
A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple. You can do that here. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina to find the place to highlight 5 stars and “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence!
Books, Shows
I’ve been busy reading books by upcoming guests: Rhaina Cohen, Emily Locker, and Amy Weatherly & Jess Johnston. (Amy and Jess are the duo behind Sister I Am With You, a Facebook community with over 1 million followers.)
I started Five Star Weekend by Elin Hilderbrand, but I’m not sure about it. Someone tell me if I should continue!
See full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I started Beef because my friend Sara insisted. And I’m glad I did!
In the Dear Nina Facebook Group, my friend Ilyse suggested this Greek chicken recipe, which I made without the cheese and used regular small round potatoes instead of cutting them into fries. It was fantastic.
JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP where we talk about books, TV, recipes, and friendship wins and struggles.
The first anonymous friendship advice question of 2024 (next one is coming SOON!)
“Make the First Friendship Move”
A reader asked how she can get to know a person from her walking group who seems to have good friend potential. She asked if it would be weird to try and take the friendship outside of the group. What do you think I said?
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links