First, I have to tell you that last week’s anonymous friendship advice question about an uneven “best” friendship hit readers hard. I answer personal questions for paying subscribers, but Substack gives all readers one locked post to open for free. Perhaps this particular one is the letter you want to try. I heard from readers who found the situation all-too-relatable and agreed with my advice to the letter writer to put her valuable time and energy towards other friends.
I stand by that advice for this situation, but it’s not the answer to all situations where a friendship isn’t feeling 50-50. In fact, I think 50-50 is rare. We hopefully even out over the years, maybe even over the months, but day-to-day and week-to-week, it’s not uncommon to find one friend is putting more effort into the friendship than the other. Life throws us many curveballs, and we cannot be “all in” on every relationship at all times. I had more to say in my letter back, of course, but let’s move on to hurt feelings and conflict.
Friendships Can Survive Hurt Feelings, Disappointment, and Conflict
Shasta Nelson, friendship expert extraordinaire, joined me last week to discuss how and why to be honest with friends when we’re upset with them. Our friendships CAN survive tough conversations, hurt feelings, and conflict. AND, our overall social health will improve when we learn to get through the hard stuff with our friends.
In the episode, we discussed:
Conflict can be a portal to closeness once issues are addressed.
Expressing a problem to friends gives them the opportunity to explain themselves. If you’re not going to bring up your hurt feelings or your issue, it’s on you to work on forgiveness even though your friend hasn’t been given the opportunity to ask for forgiveness.
When to let things go vs. when to be direct with your friend
Vulnerability is important in friendships, which includes being honest with friends when you’re upset with them and letting friends know where you’re sensitive in general.
The issue of parents overprotecting their kids from hurt feelings for so long that even into young adulthood their children cannot handle even the tiniest bit of friendship conflict.
Friendship is a major investment in time, energy, and emotion. Being honest with a friend about an issue you’re having with the friendship protects the time “investment” you’ve already made.
How writing and talking about friendships affects Shasta’s friendships (and I answered that one too).
When a friendship is no longer worth fighting for
Tough conversations get a little easier with practice and strengthen your health!
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“A Complete Timeline of Taylor Swift and Sabrina Carpenter’s Friendship” Elle Magazine
“The Insidious Habit That Can Hurt Your Relationship” (Hint: It involves your phone) NYT
Books & Shows I’m Into These Days
I’m reading Emily Giffin’s newest, The Summer Pact and listening to The Book of Love by Kelly Link.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I’m still working on season two of The Bear. I know, I’m so behind. My husband and I started season four of Suits. Also, so far behind.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter/X, and most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
Two past anonymous friendship advice questions
The Lonely Half of One-Sided Friendship (Further thoughts on uneven friend dynamics)
Embrace Your Older and Younger Friends
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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