Being a good friend to someone with terminal cancer
Also: you need (some) time with your long distance friends
Last week’s episode touched many listeners. My guest was my friend from college, Jill Smokler, who is the creator of Scary Mommy, one of the most original and successful mom blogs ever—and the first mom blogger to sell her site to a major media company. She came on Dear Nina to discuss her recent brain cancer diagnosis and how she’s navigated relationships since discovering this shocking turn in her health. (And how people have navigated their relationships with her.)
Jill and I had a candid conversation about her diagnosis, her decision to step away from her post-Scary Mommy work, and what she wants her kids to know about friendship.
Jill also had specific advice for anyone with a friend who is diagnosed with cancer—what is most helpful, what is least helpful, and everything in between.
3 nuggets (of many) from the episode:
Don’t just show up at the beginning. Jill said, “Mark it in your calendar to check in after a few weeks, to check in after six weeks, but not every day.”
When you’re checking in, make it clear that you’re not expecting a response.
Don’t overwhelm your friend with stories about your cousin or your neighbor’s cousin who had the same diagnosis.
For updates on Jill (and for her humor and candor!) follow her on Instagram and Threads.
Listen on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
You need time with your long distance friends, but not as much time as you think.
After a trip to Chicago to say goodbye to my childhood house, I appreciated how even one meal with your long distance friends means so much. You need time with your long distance friends, but not as much time as you think. You don't need full weekends away, though of course those are nice. You don't need long retreats in fancy resorts or expensive rental houses.
Yes, it's true that with extra time you can cover more ground, but it's still worth making an effort to hangout in person for one meal, one walk, or one excursion. This sounds obvious, but so many people are waiting for the perfect life conditions to spend time with their long distance friends. Don't wait. Even a little bit of time goes a long way.
In this short episode, I also celebrated three years of podcasting, announced two new behind-the-scenes team members, and two new types of episodes that will appear regularly in the podcast feed.
Listen on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I just found out through journalist Allison Gilbert’s piece in the NYT that she has a book on friendship coming out with the late Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Pierre Lehu. I loved her essay about some of Dr. Ruth’s friendship lessons and how important connecting with friends was to her work and life.
I’ve shared this one before by Rabbi Sharon Brous, but it’s fantastic and pertinent to Jill’s advice so I’m sharing it again. “Train Yourself to Always Show Up”
Books, Shows, Etc. I’m Into These Days
I finished (and liked) The Summer Pact by Emily Giffin, so now I’m back to the essay collection/memoir, First Love: Essays on Friendship by Lilly Dancyger
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: nothing since the last newsletter. I had my college friend, Alissa, in town. I spent my extra time with her. Yay!
Music: Listening to a lot of Noah Kahan
Cooking: Very little. The kids are at camp!
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter/X, and most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
Two past anonymous friendship advice questions
Make the First Friendship Move (I Promise it’s Not Weird)
Abrupt Silence After Vacationing Together
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
This sounds like a powerful and tender episode, Nina. I look forward to listening.