Don't Focus on Who Said No
The friendship video that's bothering me
I saw the saddest short video today about friendship. It was on TikTok, but I will describe it for those who are TikTok adverse. It’s worth discussing—stick with me.
In the video, a mom, maybe in her early-to-mid-30s, says her daughter asked her why she never does anything with friends. “Don’t you wish you had friends?” the daughter said. Or something along those lines.
With tears in her eyes, the mom explains how she did have friends once when she was a younger mom. But the women she thought were her friends planned a trip without her to celebrate the birthday of someone this mom had been busy trying to organize a birthday gathering for—until one of the women admitted that they were already celebrating, on a trip without her.
I found myself tearing up too. I could see and feel the mom’s anguish. The incident, which happened many years ago, was so present in this mom’s mind that she could not trust any potential friends with her heart. She vowed from that point to tell her daughter to never ever ever leave someone out. This was a big part of the video, the lesson she was hoping to teach her daughter.
The whole thing depressed me—and bothered me a bit, too. First, I felt terrible for this mom. It’s been over 20 years, but I still remember the sting of rejection when I moved to Minneapolis. There were women so clearly not interested in me that it’s almost like they were putting up a hand to say, no thanks. It was that clear. I’ve experienced the sense of “no thanks” before then and since then. I’ve had actual friends disappear on me, as a teen, in college, and well into my 30s and 40s. I’m not always included. Is anyone?
Watching this mom tear up, I understood her pain. But I also felt regret, on her behalf. She’s missing out on a world of true connection, and it doesn’t have to be that way. This is an active choice she is making—one that she’s modeling for her daughter.
I wanted to reach into my phone screen and tell this woman she is worthy of friendship—that deep connections are possible for her. One group’s rejection should not dictate her entire adult social life. I’d tell her to start with one friend, then maybe two. And that will be enough. She doesn’t need a whole group. Nobody needs a whole group!
I also think it’s dangerous to tell kids they don’t get to make decisions about who they want to spend with, “ever.” It’s dangerous to let kids believe that if they get left out, they’re somehow not worthy of trying again with different friends. We could also tell kids, and ourselves, that friends will, and have every right to, do things without us. Yes, the story this woman told sounded especially cruel. But I’m talking beyond this one mom now. We can’t let our kids, nor can we, fall apart when friends do things without us. Listen, who among us doesn’t occasionally crave smaller outings? We have to allow that for our friends. And for our kids’ friends.
I’ve discussed the issue of including everyone or not in several episodes: Dr. Lisa Damour and I focused on teen friend groups. With Stephanie Sprenger I discussed how involved parents should get in all the teen stuff and how anxious we get when we know our kids are veering away from friends whose parents will be upset with them and with us. Ruchi Koval and I dove into a lot of hard stuff for adults in, “I’m Just Not Into This Friendship.” Taryn Kessel and I did an episode called, “Friends Will Hang Out Without You.”
Courage and Friendship
I discussed a similar topic this week, as it pertains to adults and kids too, with the incredible women behind the wildly popular Facebook page, Sister I am With You. Amy Weatherly and Jess Johnston are also the authors of the new book Here For It and the book, I’ll Be There, But I’ll Be Wearing Sweatpants. Almost every word that falls out of their mouths is quotable, but I’m going to leave you with a few from this week’s episode, “Every Friendship Starts (or deepens) With an Act of Bravery.”
While talking about being excluded as adults, Amy said:
“Go build something. We're all waiting to be welcomed into a building that already exists, which is fine. But really, there is a lot of beauty in building something brand new. It's a powerful thing to be like this is a gift I can give. Who should I be giving it to? . . .
I think people just want friends. People want a reason to get together. If you give them that, they will come. But you have to make sure you're not focusing on the people who said no, that you're not hellbent on holding on to that. Make sure you’re focused on the one who said yes. Focus on that, and you build there.”
I wanted to shout AMEN in the episode. Maybe I did?
I leave you with that same idea today: Stop focusing on the people who said no. Someone is out there ready to say yes, if you’re willing to be brave and ask.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Former Dear Nina guest, Emma Nadler, author of the amazing memoir The Unlikely Village of Eden, has a piece out in the Washington Post that goes perfectly with today’s newsletter: “A loneliness cure — make one friend a year: Five ways to build or enhance one close friendship this year.” And she quoted me on one of my favorite tips.
There’s been a discussion of a friendship dip in your 40s on Anne Helen Peterson’s Substack in this piece and in an article by Rachel Bowie in Purewow. That has not been my experience, but I might be unusually hyper-focused on friendship since I’ve been writing about it for almost a decade.
From former guest, Dr. Marisa G Franco, author of Platonic, on “The Art of Lingering in Friendship”
A BIG FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple. You can do that here. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina to find the place to highlight all 5 stars and press “write a review.” It can be one-sentence! Thank you! And the biggest favor of all is to share an episode with a friend!
Books, Shows
I started The Latecomer by Jean Hanff Korelitz on audio. At first I didn’t love the narrative voice, but now I’m istening to it nonstop. I’m 60% in and really attached to this weird little family.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I started One Day on Netflix then remembered how much I loved the book back in 2009. (Yes, I had to look up the date. Here I am talking about it on Valentine’s Day.) As I kept watching, I remembered how it ends. Now I’m still watching the show, but slowly. If you know, you know.
Recipes: I’ve shared this Dairy-Free White Chicken Chili from Emily’s Fresh Kitchen before, but it’s worth sharing again because I made it last week and we ate it for two nights. So good! I also have Emily’s Chopped Green Salad back in the rotation and will be making it again this weekend since I have all the ingredients.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, X/Twitter, and really most often— in my Facebook group all about friendship called, Dear Nina: The Group.
The 2nd anonymous friendship advice question of 2024
A reader regrets saying yes to an old friend’s request to be part of the wedding.
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
I love your message so much! I think I accidentally might have "built something new" when I made the conscious decision to invite only four friends to my birthday brunch. It's hard for me to do small gatherings because I don't have one tight group of friends; I wish I did but it hasn't worked out that way. Rather, I have many friends, many of whom aren't connected to each other. But after my birthday brunch, our small crew got together for another brunch! And we planned a girls weekend! Maybe I'm creating the small group I always wanted!?
"When you focus on those rejecting you, you reject those focusing on you." - Me
I tend to forget my own advice sometimes though. :) I agree that friendship is worth pursuing, even when we've been hurt!