Friendship With Your Cousins
Plus, disagreeing with friends
I love when I’m thinking along the same lines as Esther Perel, a thought leader who I admire tremendously.
In the March 5th edition of her monthly newsletter, “Letters from Esther,” Perel wrote about aloneness vs. loneliness. She provided examples of true loneliness, ending with, “the loneliness felt when an important relationship, of any kind, suddenly falls apart over a difference in opinion, values, or politics.”
Perel continued:
What causes the hurt is less the consequences of vitriol and high-pitched opposition, than the acute pain of being close one day and not speaking to each other the next.
Is it impossible to hold different opinions and remain friends? It shouldn’t be!
The latest episode of Dear Nina, uploaded on February 28th (yes, I’m pointing out it was a week before Perel’s newsletter), focuses on this exact issue of people staying friends despite differing opinions.
To Perel’s point, it’s not always the arguing that drives friends and family apart—it’s the refusal to bother to hear each other out in the first place. Maybe that avoidance happens for fear of the discussion turning ugly, but what hope do we have as a society if we only interact with people who think exactly the way we do?
My recent guest, Emily Locker, wrote a young adult novel, Running Mates, challenging modern norms of socializing. Her main characters are Annabel, a progressive activist teen, and Gabe, the son of a Cuban-American Republican senator. Romance brews for Annabel and Gabe though the road for these two isn’t easy, especially when the friends on both sides deeply disapprove and get in the way.
Emily and I broadened our discussion to adult friendships. We talked about parenting differences, like decisions regarding public vs private schools and giving your elementary school-aged kids a phone (or not). And we leaned on Emily’s vocation as a psychotherapist (like Perel!) to help listeners manage feelings of judgement or envy in friendships.
Do Emily and I look related?
Emily is my second cousin! Our grandfathers were brothers, making our moms first cousins. We spent some of the episode talking about the sad fact that we hardly know each other as adults. I can, however, report with tremendous joy, that making this episode with Emily has reconnected us and we’ve been texting/DMing a lot. I’ve even made Emily suffer through a lot of my voice memos. I’m excited to be developing a new-yet-sort-of-old friendship with my very own cousin.
Are you close with your cousins? I’d love to hear about that!
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“Should I Hang Out With Someone Whose Political Views I Hate?” by Kwame Anthony Appiah (The Ethicist in the NYT—gift link) I especially loved this quote:
“When we stop talking even to people we know and like because of political disagreements, we’ve abandoned the deliberative-democratic project of governing the republic together.”
I really LOVE this idea and this piece: “In Praise of the Standing Coffee Date” by former guest, Christie Tate.
These answers might surprise you: “3 Common Mistakes We Make When Trying To Be Likable” by former guest, Gretchen Rubin, in Fast Company
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Books & Shows
I’m on book 2 of the Sarah J. Maas Court of Thorns series. I’ve been doing the audio, which is working well for me. Though now I’m behind on all the podcasts I like. It’s getting so SPICY. I made a little video about it! Anne Helen Peterson had a great post about all the fuss.
I have so many books on my nightstand! I’ve started A Quantum Love Story by Mike Chen and After Annie by Anna Quindlen. Has anyone read either? Not sure which one to continue.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I have not watched even one minute of television since I started listening to A Court of Thorns. My intention is to watch The Bear next. I know I’m very late!
Recipe: This week I made Ina Garten’s Chicken Noodle Soup. It never fails.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter, and really most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
Anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Abrupt Silence After Vacationing Together
My Kid Ended a Friendship With Your Kid: Don’t Blame Me
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
Well now I’m thinking I need to try A Court of Thorn and Roses!