This is not a screed against organic, slow friendships. Most relationships—especially the uber-stable ones—build over time. Memories are created, trust is built, conflict is withstood, and a deep, longstanding connection forms.
In fact, I’ve made TikTok videos and podcast episodes about how chemistry, or “magic,” is not enough to sustain a friendship. You might experience fantastic chemistry with a work friend, for example, but if you never take the friendship outside of work, you’ll likely stop feeling close when one of you changes jobs.
I can provide more examples of the limits of chemistry, but today I’m not talking about the careful friendship that builds over time. Today is for magic.
Last week’s episode with author, Rhaina Cohen, reminded me what it feels like in the throes of a friendship spell. When it happens to me, I know I’m mentioning the friend too much. There are other ways I know I’m under a spell, but it’s hard to describe much like falling in love is hard to describe. You’re eager to be around her. You want to understand her. You want her to understand you.
Do I worry I’m texting too much? NO! Because an enchantment friend is texting me as often. I’m refreshingly not worrying about being “too much” in any context. She is equally “as much.”
Note: I’m purposely not using the term “best friend.” At first, the enchantment friend isn’t your friend at all. She’s someone you like. You recognize her immediately as your kind of person. Maybe it’s a shared sense of humor or an equal passion for a hobby. Often it’s a sense of feeling good around her energy, her aura. She roots for you despite barely knowing you. You root for her too.
As Rhaina said about her friend, Em, the moment she met her, she wanted to be in Em’s glow. I loved that word, glow, and have been thinking about it ever since I edited our conversation.
I think wanting to be around someone’s glow is the part of this enchantment friendship that lasts long after the spark has worn off and you remember to make room for the other connections in your life—the organic friends, the previous enchantment friends who are still special but not taking up your extra time. Oh—and your spouse and kids if you have them. And your job!
The glow is what makes you proud to call this person your friend. The glow brings out your best self.
In Rhaina’s bestselling book, The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life With Friendship at the Center, she writes to Em in the acknowledgments. I was so moved by this paragraph that I shared it in the episode. I’m sharing part of it here:
“There would have been no rabbit hole to go down if not for our friendship. Thank you for letting me write about you, about us. Early on, you encouraged me to bring a sense of expansiveness to the book, to expand readers’ sense of what's possible for their own lives. That's what you do. You encourage the people around you to open themselves up to new feelings, ideas, and experiences, however unfamiliar or uncomfortable. My world is immeasurably bigger, richer, and more beautiful because of you.”
Rhaina’s words made me emotional. Just like in romance, not all enchantment friendships last. But when it does—how wonderful to know you’ve made each other’s lives more substantial and fulfilling; how brave to make room for that initial magic to grow.
Other than the romance of a friendship spark, Rhaina and I discussed how shows like The Golden Girls and Grace & Frankie are beloved by so many, but also treated as a fantasy. Her book asks—What if platonic life partnerships didn’t have to be merely a dream? What if you didn’t have to wait until retirement age to consider centering your life around friendship? We covered what that might look like, including the benefits Rhaina gains because she and her husband live with another couple (platonically) and the couple’s two kids.
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I loved the show Julia on HBO/Max and my friend and former guest, Rachel Levy Lesser, explained, better than I ever could, why she also loved it.
Apropos of my episode with Rhaina, Good Morning America featured four high school women who are living together in their 80s.
Rhaina and I also discussed the friends who built a “tiny town” to grow old together after retirement.
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Books & Shows
Speaking of enchantment, I’ve fallen prey to the Sarah J. Maas hysteria. I’m listening to A Court of Thornes and Roses now.
At night I’m reading The Marriage Box by Corie Adjmi and enjoying it a lot.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: If you follow me on social media, you know I’ve been talking about One Day on Netflix. I made this funny (at least I think so) 10-second video to explain my feelings. No spoilers. This video has more views than anything I’ve made lately. Not sure what to make of that.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter, and really most often— in my Facebook group all about friendship called, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and more.
The 1st and 2nd anonymous friendship advice questions of 2024
#1: Make the First Friendship Move
#2: I Regret Being a Bridesmaid
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me?
You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
I really enjoyed your episode with Rhaina. Not to trip any terrible flashbacks, but for the 2020-2021 school year, four families from our pre-school formed a pod and hired a teacher to manage 7 kids, 4 of whom attended virtual Kindergarden at 3 schools. The parents took turns covering when the teacher was sick. I really appreciated being part of a deliberate, tight-knit group. After that experience I looked into co-housing & was fascinated to learn about a new writer friend’s experience moving into - and out of - co-housing during the pandemic. Watching both my 90+ year old grandmothers age (one still at home) has convinced me that I’m all in for setting up a household with a friend in my older age. I’d LOVE it if my own parents did this. Great episode!
That New Relationship Energy ✨✨✨