Overtalking, Undertalking, and Lessons on Friendship in the Art of Storytelling
You feel a certain chemistry with a potential new friend, but within a few hangouts (coffee, a walk, a meal), you know the conversational match is not there.
An example might look like: One person does most of the talking.
Is this dynamic “the fault” of the person who isn’t coming up for air enough times in the conversation? Or “the fault” of the person who is not actively interjecting?
Perhaps the quiet person gives curt answers to the talker’s questions; therefore, the talker feels a burden to carry the weight of the conversation.
I’ve been on both sides of this dynamic, which I’m sure is true for many of us. I have nervously over-chatted with new or old friends (and family) more times than I can count. This is my usual conversation hiccup
But I have also sat quietly, not sure when or how to interject. Occasionally, I lack the confidence to share. Or, because I don’t trust that my words won’t be repeated, I choose to give less expansive answers.
There are plenty of reasons some of us dominate the conversation.
There are plenty of reasons we get quiet, sometimes awkwardly so.
I’ve love to hear YOUR thoughts on these dynamics in friendship conversations. It was the topic of my most recent episode, which you can read more about below.
Episode 95: Small talk, deep talks, mismatches in vulnerability, and the art of talking and listening—these are the tricky friendship topics we are dealing with today. I’m joined by Micaela Blei, a GrandSLAM-winning storyteller and former founding Director of Education at The Moth.
Topics we covered:
There is no right or wrong in how much to talk or how much to share. The words “over” or “under” signal a potential mismatch in conversation styles.
There’s a connection between overtalking and over-explaining (the fear of being misunderstood).
I told a story about the time a friend commented on my chattiness and I burst into tears. (She wasn’t wrong.)
Ways to sense when someone is ready to move beyond small talk.
How the dynamics of managing new friendship conversations is similar to flirting
Some lessons from storytelling include: an awareness of “airtime,” listening attentively (no phone), not confusing your friends for your audience.
It takes work to share with friends, and it takes work to listen.
Flexibility between deep and casual conversations is a sign of true intimacy in a friendship.
Learning not to take responsibility for the success of every conversation. (That one was for me to work on myself!)
Your Stories for an Upcoming Episode
I’m recording an episode soon on overnight camp friendships. I want your voicemails and emails! I know East Coasters often say “sleepaway” camp. Call it whatever you want in your answers.
What positive things did you learn about friendship at camp? What negative things did you learn about friendship at camp?
Were you unable to attend camp and felt you missed out?
Did you hate camp and decide not to send your kids?
Anything else friendship/camp related you want to share?
How to contribute to the episode:
Record a voicemail using this site. It’s easy! Keep it under one-minute, or the site cuts you off. Not my rules! You can leave a few for me to splice together.
Email me by responding to this email.
Leave an anonymous email here. Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Thrilled to see my quotes in a piece by Sarah Phillips in The Guardian on keeping on revitalizing friendships.
“The Good Sister” by Amy Rogers (thanks to
for sending)“People who consistently show up when you need them often have these 5 unique traits” by Mal James in HackSpirit
Books & Shows I’m Into These Days
I finally finished book 5 and therefore the entire ACOTAR series. Now I can come up for air! I feel like I left the planet for a few months. Here’s a quick reel where I explain my ranking from best to worst.
I am still reading The Long Island Compromise by Taffy Brodesser-Akner thanks to an early release copy from netgalley.com. I need to finish it before I share my thoughts. Jury is still out.
I’m listening to and loving Funny Story by Emily Henry. Almost done!
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: Nothing! It’s all audio books for entertainment these days.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter/X, and most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
Two past anonymous friendship advice questions
You Cannot Win Over Every Potential Friend
Friends, You Don’t Have to Read My Book. But You Should Ask Me How It’s Going Sometimes.
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
I'm looking forward to listening to this episode, Nina. So glad to have you on the adult friendship beat.