The Fear of the Eye Roll
Plus: Dear Nina made The Wall Street Journal!
Are you scared of people rolling their eyes at you?
I know I’m not alone in the fear of the eye roll. And I’m not referring to the inevitable looks of annoyance from my teenagers when I ask them to clean their rooms.
The eye roll I’m talking about is the reaction I imagine from friends and family when I post on social media. I had the same fear when I started writing publicly in 2010, which was when I started sending out short stories to magazines. I had that fear when I started the blog in 2011; then again when I started the podcast in 2021.
Listen, it’s not all imagined. I’ve fielded my share of “questions” over the years that were really a commentary of some kind. I’ve fielded direct comments that made me want to pack it all up and hide.
Obviously I haven’t stopped writing, posting, and in the past three years—podcasting—but the fear of the eye roll is always right there under the surface.
Let’s unpack that fear, because I know many of you have it, too.
We fear that people will catch us trying and catch us failing. We even fear they’ll catch us succeeding; then we’ll have the pressure of keeping up the success.
But I want to be clear about something: This is not a fear about the reaction of strangers. This is about our own friends and family members.
I don’t have a lot of advice here
I’ve been in this “creator” gig in some capacity since 2006 when I told my husband I wished I’d become a writer instead of an English teacher. And he said, “So become a writer.”
The road has been winding and it’s ended up in places I never imagined, but it hasn’t been without a constant fear of the people in my life thinking I’m silly, annoying, full of myself, or bad at what I do.
I forge ahead anyway. Because if I let the eye rolls stop me—the real or imagined ones—what would be the prize for abiding by that fear? I guess I’d have the comfort of knowing nobody was making fun of me. But to what end?
The truth is nobody cares that much about what we’re doing. Some are probably indeed rolling their eyes, and they’re usually the ones who are even more scared of being “caught trying” than we are. Keep doing your thing—that’s the best advice I have because it’s the choice I’ve made for myself again and again. And it’s impossible to please everyone anyway.
I was quoted in The Wall Street Journal
Yes, this fact deserves its own spot in the newsletter. I spoke to WSJ columnist, Elizabeth Bernstein, about quick ways to keep meaningful friendships going when life makes it hard to spend time together. She called them “friendship snacks.” If you’re a long reader/listener around here, you won’t be surprised that I recommended voice memos for a hit of intimacy and intention between real conversations or hangouts.
Speaking of posting and eye rolls, I made a little video with the article. And I’m not embarrassed about it, so there! That video is below.
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The Courage to Trust Friends After You’ve Been Hurt
My latest episode is for anyone who has been hurt by a friend—or a group of friends— recently or in the past. It’s a solo 14-minute episode about a woman who was left out of a group trip years ago and has decided she will never trust anyone with her friendship again.
Your friend hurt you, is your friendship salvageable or do you need to move on?
Confronting and forgiving friends was the topic of my guest spot on the We're Not Fine Podcast with renowned relationship experts Dr. Talia Jackson and Doug Jensen. I became comfortable quickly and we dug into common problems I hear often, which are much less dramatic than they expected yet still really get people going. The three of us had lots to say, and they also did some mini-therapy on me. (Sort of related to the eye-roll rant above.)
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“Hollywood made friendship another unrealistic ideal. A Broadway hit finally smacks it down” Thank you to Aimee La Fountain for sharing this thoughtful review and discussion from the LA Times.
The Little Prince author on losing a friend on The Marginalian
I always appreciate a piece on men’s friendships: “How a Middle-Aged Introvert Got His Groove Back” by Tom Vanderbilt in NYT (gift link)
5 Ways Friends Keep You Healthy (Even fewer colds!) Oprah Magazine. Thanks to Aunt Barbara for sending this one.
A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina to highlight all 5 stars and press the “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Books & Shows
A video I made of reading the fourth installment of the ACOTAR series has gone semi-viral on Instagram.
I started the fifth ACOTAR book and it’s 1000 times better than the fourth. The fifth is the end of this series; then I need a fantasy break, but it’s been a fun adventure. I will probably try The Fourth Wing at some point in 2024.
I loved the novel Sylvia’s Second Act by Hillary Yablon.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I watched and was disturbed by Quiet on Set. I also finished Curb Your Enthusiasm. I’m sad it’s done; Curb has been like an old, loyal (though grumpy) friend. And I loved Alex Edelman’s comedy special on MAX.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter, and really most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
The most recent anonymous friendship advice question
“Branching Out of a Friend Group”
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
I’ve found when I examine my fear I find relief in asking myself “What is the fear behind the fear?” I use the prompt of one word when I identify a fear. You mentioned the fear of what family and friends think of your actions. I ask myself, “So? What if they disapprove? Then what?” That process helps me get to my core fears.
First of all, Brava YOU! There is no eyeroll like the eyeroll of one's own child.