The Two Questions I Hate Answering

Plus: College Admissions and Your Friendships (teens AND parents)

Sep 20, 2024

Photo of graduates throwing caps by Pang Yuhao on Unsplash

Here’s the issue with “overly personal questions” as a descriptor.

The definition of “personal” is different for everyone. For example, since my kids (so far) aren’t private about where they’re applying to college, it doesn’t bother me when someone asks.

In fact, “Where is your daughter applying to college?” dropped into conversation only bugs me when asked by someone with a child the same age who then gives me a vague answer in return.

I discussed that exact example in this week’s Dear Nina episode about college admissions and friendships. In that case, the other parent obviously finds the topic of college admissions too personal. Fair enough. But then don’t ask me!

The response from this week’s episode on college admissions showed me that listeners are split on how personal they find that topic. The ones who don’t want to share are also aware it’s tricky to express that opinion without coming off as competitive and perhaps trying to hoard helpful information.

I’m curious how you, (yes YOU!) answer a question when you don’t want to answer, but you don’t want to turn the moment into an awkward interaction or shame someone you like for asking in the first place.

Maybe sometimes you DO want to discourage further questions. I suppose the tactic for those answers would be different. You could even say, “That’s a really personal question.” Trust me, you will not get asked again. You also might not get together with this person again ever, which could be more than you intended for your words and tone to convey.

My point is, we all have a different gauge for what’s too personal and I’m trying to err on the side of assuming the best here and not encouraging people to embarrass the asker.

I did an episode over three years ago (episode #8!) on this exact thing—the “non answer” to questions—and my mom was my guest. She’s an expert in the art of the non-answer. But I’m apparently not done thinking about these types of interactions.

Here are two personal questions I do NOT like to be asked, but which people ask me often anyway.

I’M OPEN TO YOUR IDEAS OF HOW TO ANSWER.

I know the intention behind these questions is to show interest and make casual conversation, but it feels so loaded to me.

How does anyone make money from a podcast? (Implied, to me, is why bother if you don’t.)
How many listeners do you have? (Implied to me is, this is only worthwhile if the answer is a HUGE number.)

Hit me with your best non-shaming, non-relationship-tweaking answers. Thanks!

Navigating Friendships During the College Admissions Process

This week’s podcast topic is the frenzy of college admissions and how it affects friendships between teens and how it potentially affects friendships between those teens’ parents. Most importantly, we discuss how to approach the college admissions world with a level head!

Meet Kate Proger:

Kate Proger, is a college planning consultant and admissions expert. With degrees in both psychology and educational testing, as well as executive function coach training, Kate has helped hundreds of students find the university that is their perfect fit. (We discuss at length that there is more than one “right” fit.) Find Kate on her site: Kate Proger College Consulting.

Episode #112: “Navigating Friendships During the College Admissions Process”

FIND EPISODE #112 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.

Articles and Other Finds About Friendship

“Why Won’t My Friends Initiate Plans?” I was a guest on Found Family with MaryB. Safrit to discuss the answer to that question and many others on the top friendship issues I hear about from readers and listeners.
“Relationship Rupture and the Limbic System: The Physiology of Abandonment and Separation” Maria Popova, The Marginalian
“20 Ways to be a Better Friend According to Experts” Shelby Deering, Woman’s Day Magazine. (This one quotes me and two former guests,
Anna Goldfarb
and Shari Leid as the experts!)

Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days

Reading: My friend Robby told me to listen to Yearbook by Seth Rogen. It’s the good writing and hilarity I needed right now. I’m still reading and enjoying Husbands & Lovers by Beatriz Williams because my friend Julie L said I should.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I finished The Perfect Couple on Netflix. I do recommend it for an escape, for several of the actors, and for the scenery and clothes. The story is—fine. It’s not what you’re in this show for, but it will carry you enough from episode to episode. I said a bit more on Instagram and TikTok.
More TV: I’m watching the second half of the current season of Emily in Paris. I’m back into this show. Yes, the love triangle is so old, but I adore Emily and her friends and colleagues.
Cooking: I’m still deep into the dense bean salad trend. If you’re interested,
Violet Witchel
is the source of it all.

Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship. All the social media links are below.

Two Recent anonymous friendship advice questions

“My friend comments on my eating habits to me and to others: And I’m tired of being judged”

The Lonely Half of the Best Friendship: Further thoughts on uneven friend dynamics

Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.

A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina on Apple Podcasts to highlight all 5 stars and press the “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! If you listen on Spotify, you can leave stars there too!

Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links