This is How to Make Plans With Friends
And: grieving the end of a friendship
Readers, some major scheduling successes (with friends) happened this week. First, a friend who lives over an hour away wanted to make a lunch plan with me and two other friends. Her text was a masterpiece.
She did NOT text, “Let’s get together for lunch.” She did NOT text, “When can we get together for lunch?”
She texted something like, “Lunch in January! Here are some dates.” She offered plenty of dates to choose from, and it did not take long to get a plan on our calendars. Easy! Done!
A similar interaction happened days later. There are a few women I play mahjong with from time to time. It’s been too long, so one of the women did something simple and so appreciated.
She did NOT text, “Who wants to play mahj?” She did NOT text, “When can we play mahj?”
She stated that she misses us, wants to play, and offered, YEP, plenty of dates to choose from. Within the hour we had a specific plan for a few weeks from now. Easy! Done!
I thought, this is episode 121 in action! (Episode 121 was about how to make plans.) In that episode, I read two anonymous letters dealing with different issues with scheduling plans, and in my answer, I admitted that I often make it “my problem” to get out the calendar first.
I look at my calendar and throw out dates when I’m the one suggesting the plans. I think that’s the right way to go when you’re suggesting plans, so it doesn’t bug me. But I also seem to do it if the other person starts with, “Let’s walk,” or something like that. Why am I the one suggesting the dates in those second scenarios? It’s probably a hyper focus on efficiency, a desire to show that I’m genuinely interested, plus an itch to delete items from my various inboxes.
Let’s please acknowledge that it’s extra labor to always be the one poking around your calendar to suggest dates. There are no actual rules to all of this, but I think if you suggest the plans, you should also suggest dates. If you cancel the plans, you should suggest new dates. And if you’re the invitee who cannot hangout on any of the dates your friend suggested, then it’s your turn to scour the calendar and offer alternatives, assuming you’re interested, which perhaps you’re not. (“I’m Just Not Into This Friendship” is a different issue, which I covered in episode #73 with Ruchi Koval.)
You might be thinking, But Nina, nobody is even asking me for plans.
If you have ever listened to my podcast, you know I will say that most people are terrible at #1. reaching out and #2. making plans. You should absolutely not wait for other people to make plans. If you want plans, make the plans. And if you want those plans to happen at a certain time and place, then you suggest the dates, times, and locations. Like I said, there are no rules here, but one thing is certain: if you are always waiting for other people to reach out, then you will not have as many things to do with friends.
One of my goals for 2025 is to sit with more patience between texts, which means giving others a chance to do some of the calendar work and being more comfortable with those metaphorically unchecked boxes in some of my communications. Wish me luck!
Two episodes you might have missed in the last two weeks
How to make plans with friends!
Per all of the above, this episode was the newest letter spotlight, which gave me the chance to answer two anonymous friendship dilemmas and talk about a long-held pet peeve of mine when making plans. I hope this episode helps you schedule time with friends!
FIND EPISODE #121 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.
Grieving the End of a Friendship
Friendship breakups are an ageless, universal issue. In my 10 years of writing about friendship and receiving letters, I’ve seen that it makes little difference if there was a direct confrontation with the friend, a fade out, or an abrupt ghosting. No matter the circumstances, we must take time to heal.
Learn more about Diamonde’s documentary, Best Friends Not Forever. And you must see her visual art on Instagram at @therealdiamonde.
FIND EPISODE #122 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.
Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days
Reading: I finished listening to Revenge of the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. His audiobooks are always well produced. This one took me a while to get through because some parts are kind of boring. I learned some things though and it was interesting to engage in the follow-up to the ever-popular Tipping Point. I’m now listening to All Fours by Miranda July. I am shocked this was a National Book Award finalist. What!? That said, I’m still listening despite wincing through some of it.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I am back with probably way too much television after not watching as much this year. I really liked The Martha Stewart Documentary on Netflix. I was underwhelmed by season 2 of The Diplomat. Week to week I’m also watching Shrinking, Outlander (second half of season 2), and Abbot Elementary. I started Disclaimer. I don’t feel that compelled to keep watching except everyone insists I will like it so I will probably finish eventually. And I started Three Women because I will only have Starz while Outlander is on so I like to make the most of it.
Cooking: The amount I cooked recently is directly related to the TV intake. I often have a show on my phone while I’m cooking. I had a cooking spree this week, perhaps because my oldest was home from school and it’s so cold in Minneapolis that I avoided going outside. I made Adeena Sussman’s beef stew and her “mom’s favorite chicken” from her cookbook, Shabbat. I made and devoured this kale salad from Smitten Kitchen. (I used quinoa instead of panko crumbs.) I didn’t host Thanksgiving, but I was assigned roasted potatoes and Brussels sprouts, both of which I made from Ina Garten’s first cookbook and her “parties” book. I made the chicken soup from Ina’s aforementioned first book.
Speaking of cooking and Ina, check out the fun book and cooking event I organized with my friend and former guest, Debra Arbit of “For The Love of Cookbooks,” all in honor of Ina Garten’s memoir. We’re doing one more today with a whole new menu and a new group of attendees. We charged for this event, and not nearly enough, as there was lots of food. Yes, we dressed like Ina!
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
“Ted Lasso,” “Shrinking,” Brett Goldstein, & the Power of Forgiveness by Mark Oppenheimer
I have a lot to say about this Atlantic piece about making friends in group exercise classes. (Meaning, I disagreed with some of it.) I will do a solo episode about it early in 2025.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship. All the social media links are below.
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Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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I don't know, I think this works well with friends like "us", the intiators who are reading this. I tried this with a friend and she just never replied. So when I saw her she was like, "oh, I need to reply" and then the following week I asked again and she said "Oh yeah, that works." (She's not a great texter). So we went out, had a great time, and I just learned that I never should have texted her so far in advance because she finds that level of planning a little too intense. Some people are more go with the flow and this level of planning is intimidating (unless it's for something really important). A better approach for THIS type of friend would be "Would you be open to .... (eg, getting coffee) "? Then AFTER they say yes, suggest a time. That way they say yes when they feel good and ready :)
Fantastic piece. My friends never seemed to have graduated from the days of sending texts like “who’s down to grab a drink tonight?”, back when all of us weren’t either married/raising a family, or just generally less “busy” and time felt abundant. This reminds me to be the change you want to see.