Use Curiosity to Make Friends
And to fight loneliness, lose count of who is reaching out!
To fight loneliness: Communicate your needs, admit your mistakes, + 6 more tips
For anyone feeling uncomfortable in a social situation, curiosity is a secret weapon for making and keeping friends. Instead of focusing on why people aren’t talking to you, focus on why you want to talk to other people. That’s just one of many tricks Dr. Ruth Westheimer (z”l) taught in her final book, The Joy of Connections. (I discussed seven more of my favorite no-nonsense Dr. Ruth loneliness tips in this week’s episode of Dear Nina.)
A Holocaust survivor who at the age of ten was put on a train from Germany to Switzerland to live out the war in an orphanage, Dr. Ruth knew what it was to start over in new, and in her case, terrible, circumstances. Each phase of Dr. Ruth’s life required a new language, new work, and new friends.
In The Joy of Connections, written with Pierre Lehu, and this week’s Dear Nina guest, Allison Gilbert, you get advice to let things go and to basically—in my words now, but this was also Dr. Ruth’s vibe— lighten up. She advised not taking yourself so seriously and to give people second chances.
Dr. Ruth’s approach puts the seeker of new friends or deeper friendships in the driver’s seat. You can’t control all of your circumstances, but you can control how quickly you’re willing to write someone off for saying “not the perfect thing” at the perfect time. You control whether you apologize to someone who deserves it. You can control whether you wait for people to ask about you, or you go ahead and offer information you want them to know and not assume the worst.
All of Dr. Ruth’s advice in this book is to help readers combat loneliness. She did something brave (because not everyone will like this) and taught that if you’re lonely, it’s time to take action. Nobody made new friends or deepened friendships by waiting for people to notice them. Go out there. Be a joiner. Be a planner. Be curious.
FIND EPISODE #116 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.
MEET ALLISON GILBERT:
Allison Gilbert is an Emmy Award-winning journalist and author. She is co-author of The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life with world-renowned therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Find Allison on Instagram, Facebook, and X.
The top 8 no-nonsense friendship tips from Dr. Ruth that Allison and I covered in much more detail in the episode:
Push through rejection. (Also, be honest with yourself about your interests.)
Be curious about people. (Also, offer information. Don’t stand on ceremony waiting for people to ask. To quote Allison, “Leave breadcrumbs in the conversation.”)
Communicate your needs.
Admit your mistakes.
Don’t judge a book by its cover, be less judgmental, and give more chances.
Lose count! (“Don’t keep a ledger.”) And my personal plea in many episodes–reframe what reciprocity looks like in reality.
Broaden your definition of friendship.
Make yourself more friendly. (And be more generous, if you can.)
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I really liked this concept of “place-based community” in the latest post in After Babel, Jonathan Haidt’s Substack.
Yes to circles over triangles in friendship formulations. Fantastic analysis from
.I was quoted The Telegraph UK! “The Five Most Common Reasons Friends Fall Out and What to Do About It”
Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days
Reading: I just finished Ina Garten’s memoir on audio. It’s one of my favorite books of the year. I also finished reading Leaving by Roxana Robinson. It was haunting, but not in a horror-way. It was quite depressing. I liked and respected it, but it was a hard read, if that makes sense. Still, I got to the end and I’m glad I did.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: Tell Me Lies seasons 2 on Hulu is so juicy and disturbing. I started season 2 of Shrinking. Bryan and I are STILL watching Suits. We’re on season 5.
Cooking: I made Jake Cohen’s brisket several times over the holidays from his latest book, I Could Nosh. And I as mentioned last week, I’ve been making Adeena Sussman’s caramel apple kugel a ton. This is also the season for any version of a harvest salad. I especially like ones that use a miso dressing and a grain like wild rice or quinoa. Is rice a grain? I’m not a food writer, and I don’t feel like looking that up right now.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship. All the social media links are below.
Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | Threads | Twitter | My Website
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Roommate Disappointments and (taking our close friends for granted)
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
Her advice is gold ✨ and similar to Holocaust survivor, Dr Edith Egar. Her book, The Gift, contains similar sentiments and advice. Wise words from wise women 💜
Yes to all of this! Sometimes (most times?) we have to go out on a limb and continue to show up or we could be waiting a verrrry long time for others to “notice us”. I’ve noticed in my own life that working through some of my past hurts/unhealthy relationship patterns has helped me feel less isolated and willing to take more relational risks. And thank you for sharing my work!