Our Friends' Invisible Pain
Plus: the back pain distracting me
I sat down to write this newsletter every day this week. I don’t suffer from writer’s block at this point in my life. That wasn’t the problem. The issue was (and still is) some serious lower back pain that now feels like a part-time job to manage. What started in my early 40s as a notable, but ignorable-enough, recurring tweak in my lower left back has turned into a constant drumbeat of pain seven years later.
Tuesday morning I was on my way to a mammogram. Holding my laptop (to return it to my office) while simultaneously sliding a foot into a sneaker, my lower back spasmed. That’s the most middle-aged situation ever, but it’s exactly how it happened. I could barely move afterwards.
The culprit is a bulging disk, and the worst thing for me is sitting. Get a standing desk, I hear you saying. I already own and use one, but standing for too long also hurts. To be honest, I wasn’t using it enough before now. One of many regrets I’m bemoaning daily here.
The more I mention my back pain (because I’m having to adjust many plans), the more I discover friends who are dealing with all kinds of physical ailments. I’m not talking about life-threatening things, though I have a friend dealing with that, too.
Most of my mid-40s and older friends’ pain is much like mine—constant, distracting, and requiring of consistent attention. There’s physical therapy, and all kinds of stretches, plus the random alternative therapies to consider.
We know we’re supposed to do strength training and most of us are, but we’re probably not hitting all the muscles in the right way. We’re using machines (me!) when free weight would have worked our stability muscles more. (Oops.) We’re stretching, but not holding the stretches for the right amount of time. And on and on it goes for the things we should be doing to protect our bodies and minds while also conducting our normal lives.
Already in the past few years I’ve healed two calves, one elbow, and one shoulder. However, those were tennis-related injuries and didn’t interfere so much with my work. My back pain is from 15 years of sitting and writing with the added countless hours of three years of recording and editing podcast episodes.
It’s too much sitting. I know I need to change my work flow, and my standards for audio editing is the biggest problem since it requires the most time on the computer. I obviously have some mental work to do in how I’m going to manage the work load moving forward.
The timing of that back spasm was just right, I guess. The episode I put out this week is about the invisible pain our friends might be going through, and having a constant (though thankfully not life-threatening) pain to manage has made me wonder just how many people I know are suffering in ways they don’t mention. On some level, we always know this to be true, but it’s hard to remember when we’re feeling good.
In the episode, Estelle Erasmus, talks about the relief of letting others in on her struggle—which wasn’t “pain” in the way I’m describing it, but more so an invisible disability in the form of hearing loss that began in her 20s. She kept that hearing loss a secret for a few decades.
More info below!
“Disclosing My Invisible Disability Increased the Intimacy In My Friendships”
Invisible disabilities can turn into a source of shame and unknowingly get in the way of friendships. Some examples are depression, anxiety, other mental health diagnoses, as well as physical conditions such as chronic pain, fatigue, and too many other examples to list where symptoms are felt but not seen.
This week’s guest, Estelle Erasmus, shares her experience with genetic hearing loss that began in her 20s and stayed a secret long after she started wearing hearing aids. In her piece for Shondaland, “I’m Learning to Listen in New Ways” Estelle shares the stress of keeping that secret from friends and the deep relief of telling the truth. I’m grateful to share her perspective with Dear Nina listeners.
Find Estelle on Substack, too!
YOUR voicemails about camp friendships!
I want to hear your thoughts on camp friendships. And your kids’ thoughts too. These voicemails will land in an early summer episode. See the prompts below. Click here from your phone to leave the message. If you need to leave more than one, that’s fine. I will splice them together. It’s up to you if you want to state your name.
Some ideas (though tell me anything about camp friendships):
1. Tell me about the camp friend you cannot imagine your life without. What is so special about this friendship?
2. What is special about camp friendships in your opinion? What do kids learn about friendship at camp?
3. Are there any negatives to camp friendships?
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
I normally list three friendship-related articles here, but the only one I want to point you to this week is some difficult news about my friend, Jill Smokler—known to many people as “Scary Mommy.” Jill and I met freshmen year at WashU. She’s been on Dear Nina and I’ve been on her podcast, She’s Got Issues. She’s a friend and champion to so many people. And now she’s fighting for her life.
The headline from Today.com: “Jill Smokler, founder of influential blog ‘Scary Mommy,’ announces she has brain cancer”
Books & Shows I’m Into These Days
I’m almost done with an early-release of The Long Island Compromise by Taffy Brodesser-Akner. It’s darker than, Fleishman in Trouble, which had plenty of darkness. I’m liking it as a deep analysis of a family, but I’m really hoping somebody has something good to happen to them. That hasn’t happened quite yet.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I raced through the first four episodes of Bridgerton season 3 because they only released four. I love this romance eye-candy and can’t wait to see the next four episodes! I’m continuing with The Bear and finally getting more into it. I found it slow at first. I caught up with season 3 of Hacks and it’s great so far.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter/X, and most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
Two past anonymous friendship advice questions
Should I Revive This 15-Year Friendship
You’ve Outgrown This Friendship For Now
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode idea you want to share with me? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina to highlight all 5 stars and press the “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
Ugh, those aches and pains fo mid life. I herniated a disc in my back while trying to get my daughter out of her car seat when she was a few months old. Lots of PT, stretching icing. Every once in a while if I turn while emptying the dishwasher or turn without consciously remembering to hold my back straight I am right back there. It stinks.
I am so sorry to hear about Jill. How devastating.