The Friend Who Never Asks About You
Plus: neurodiversity in friendships
Seems Many of You Have a Friend Who Never Asks about YOU
An unexpected viral TikTok moment happened to me this weekend. It’s been fairly overwhelming to tell you the truth, and hard to keep up.
Once in a while I get on TikTok to post a quick, candid video about the current podcast episode. By candid, I mean, I don’t write out what I’m going to say, and I don’t spend too much time editing. The video is meant to be off the cuff and authentic.
The video I made about the latest anonymous letter spotlight episode, “The Friend Who Never Asks About You,” hit a nerve. Big time. I got hundreds of new followers and the 48-second video has been viewed, as of this moment, 47,000 times. I embedded the video below so you can see it whether or not you use TikTok. The video is nothing special. It’s the topic, not the video, that inspired such a big reaction.
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How do I know it’s the topic and not the video?
I make similar videos all the time. Most get 200-400 views. So, 48K and growing + the hundreds of comments speaks volumes. The majority of comments are people talking about their friends (usually ex-friends) who have behaved similarly to the letter writer’s friends.
I was discouraged to see how little communication is happening between friends and how often people are ghosting or cutting others out with no explanation. The conversation in the Dear Nina Facebook group is a lot more nuanced, probably because it’s based on the actual 12-minute podcast episode rather than the 48-second TikTok.
Allowing for silences in conversations
One member of the community thoughtfully suggested that some people struggle to feel comfortable in silence and therefore rush to fill it. She theorized that these friends are not trying to be inconsiderate; they need to learn that their friends want to respond but will give up if they’re not given that space to do so and a moment to think. I definitely had to learn over the years that it’s not my job to fill the silences, so this theory felt generous and plausible to me.
Tell your friend you want a turn to speak
Nobody likes to hear this, but we should be more direct with our friends. It’s okay to say, “I’d love a chance to tell you about ____.” There are people out there who need the loving nudge as a reminder they’ve held the floor for too long. And to the point of episode #110 about neurodiversity and friendship with Dr. James F. Richardson of
, not everyone processes social situations in the same way.Some friends can’t be helped
And yes, some people really are narcissists who do not care about what’s going on with you and they’re not entitled to take up space in your inner circle. But I don’t think that diagnosis is as prevalent as TikTok and the internet as a whole would lead you to believe.
Episode #111: “The Friend Who Never Asks About You”
It's another letter spotlight episode! This week's anonymous letter is from a woman with two friends who never ask about her. She's fed up doing all the listening and none of the talking. She wants to know how to handle this friendship dynamic and whether other Dear Nina listeners deal with this same issue.
Last month's letter spotlight was about issues between sisters-in-law.
FIND EPISODE #111 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.
Episode #110: “Neurodiversity and Friendships”
I was thrilled to welcome Dr. James F. Richardson, author of Our Worst Strength: American Individualism and Its Hidden Discontents, who explains how his neurodivergent friend difficulties inspired a deeper exploration of, “how our American value of self-reliant individualism encourages us to be way too independent, undermining many relationships, including our friendships.”
Listeners will appreciate James’s sense of humor, heart, and practical tips for understanding each of our friends as individuals and considering the people in our community who could use an invitation. I loved this episode, and I learned SO MUCH. Find Dr. Richardson on Substack at
.FIND EPISODE #110 ON APPLE, SPOTIFY, YOUTUBE, OR ANYWHERE YOU LISTEN TO PODCASTS!
Articles and Other Finds About Friendship
I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Thrilled to see my advice sprinkled throughout Time Magazine’s “How to Make Friends as an Adult—In Every Stage of Life.” The interview with journalist, Angela Haupt, took places months ago so it was a happy surprise when a few friends and my sister sent me the link.
“5 Ways to Feel More Connected, According to Dr. Ruth” by Catherine Pearson in the NYT (gift link). Allison Gilbert, one of the late Dr. Ruth’s co-authors, will be on Dear Nina later this year.
“The Cost of Having Friends” by Lindsey Standberry in
on Substack
Books, Shows, Etc. I’m Into These Days
Reading: I really liked the audio of The Wedding People by Alison Espach. It went by quickly and I was rooting for these characters. Started Husbands & Lovers by Beatriz Williams. See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: I started The English Teacher on Hulu. Haven’t been terribly compelled to keep going. Should I? I’m halfway through episode oneof The Perfect Couple on Netflix and I’m immediately hooked.
Cooking: I made these pickled onions from The Hip Foodie Mom and have used them in sandwiches and salads for over a week. They enhanced every bite.
I made the banana bread (with chocoalte chips instead of walnuts) from Love and Lemons and it was delicious. It needed about ten more minutes in the oven though, or maybe more time to cool. Oops.
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can also find me on Instagram, TikTok, Threads, Twitter/X, and most often— in my Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship.
Two past anonymous friendship advice questions
“My friend comments on my eating habits to me and to others: And I’m tired of being judged”
Embrace Your Older or Younger Friends
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.
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Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links
I'll be listening to this episode for sure, Nina. Sometimes I'll complain to my husband that a friend (or family member!) never asks what's going on with me. He says, "just tell them." My take is that I don't have a need to tell them what's going on, I have a need for them to be interested enough to ask.
You obviously hit a nerve with the self-obsessed friend question. It reminds me of Bette Midler’s quote in Beaches: Enough about me. What do you think about me?” — Bette Midler